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It's an unusually nice evening here in the center of Ohio
on this late October evening. After watching a movie with my wife,
I decided to step outside. The cars are parked in the driveway just
beyond the walk that extends from our front door. The stars were
in full splendor as there was not a cloud in the sky. I gazed
up and asked God how it is that this 57-year-old guy now lives such a blessed
life with a pretty new wife, a great career, a beautiful new house, and
has everything that any man could ever want.
He didn't answer.
You see, God doesn't need to respond to such questions
when the answers are so obvious; so right in front of our noses that we
cannot fail to see them.
I knew the answer. One of the great principles of
life has to do with sewing and reaping. As the Bible text goes, if
we do bad things, then we can expect bad things to happen to us in return.
Whether one acknowledges such truths or not, who can deny that this principle
does indeed seem to have its own way in our lives? Conversely, if
we cling to that which is good, despite our past failings and wrong choices,
then good happens. My mother paraphrased this principle in her own
words, "What you cast on to the waters will come back to you."
My life fell apart on the last Saturday evening of 1998.
That was the night that my wife of thirty-plus years and I confronted each
other with the awful truth that our marriage was over. The demise
of our relationship resulted in my having to face our four children, resign
my job, move to a nearby strange city where I found a new job, live alone
in a small apartment, and experience being financially strapped for the
next few years. In fact, I still have the only pair of shoes I owned
that first year. They are worn out and the soles are split in several
places. Keeping them serves as a poignant reminder of the cost I
paid for the failure of our marriage. |
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That was six years ago.
The experience of being "resingled" was akin to going
to some kind of prepatory school previous to marrying again. As I
slowly made my way back to being able to pay my bills and have a few bucks
left in my pocket for dating women I met at singles groups became my only
social life. Half of them decided they weren't interested in me when
they realized how financially depressed I was. The other half turned
out to be women who were so bitter, distrustful, and angry at their ex-husbands
that they really never considered the possibility that some of us may actually
have learned our lessons, taken responsibility for our bad choices, and
be good men. If it were not for three or four genuinely good ladies
that I met along the way, I would have remained single, given up on the
whole idea of a second marriage, and spent the rest of my life drinking
beer on the porch with a thousand other guys in the same predicament.
Then, along came Marilyn. |
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Yes, we met through an Internet
matchmaking service. I had met and dated several women by using
this method. At least this approach gave me the ability to read their
profiles and learn something about them before making an initial contact.
Unlike meeting women at singles groups, Internet
dating gave me more access to those who would be more compatible with
me. Being able to converse with those who responded to my first note
to them via e-mail and phone chats gave them and me the opportunity to
decide whether or not we wanted to meet, let alone date each other.
Of course, there were those few times when the woman I met turned out to
be much different than the perception she gave me of herself. On
the other hand, most were decent good people. Furthermore, some of
them were absolutely beautiful women; on the inside as well as the outside.
My company had relocated me from the East Coast
to the Midwest. My new one bedroom apartment was so much nicer than
having to share a house with another divorced guy as I did before my transfer.
It was a Sunday afternoon in early August so, with time on my hands, I
decided to troll through the singles
search site to which I belonged.
When Marilyn popped up on my search list of possible matches,
I found myself reading her profile. It was as if it was written to
and for me.
I wrote an e-mail to say "hello" to her as I was enjoying a
chilled glass of Cabernet Souvignon. Most of the time, the ladies
send a response of some kind. Some are interested. Some are
not. A few don't respond at all but those who do usually provide
an opportunity for a meeting and perhaps some nice dates.
An hour later, Marilyn responded. Her e-mail was
thoughtful, well written, and included some of her views regarding life
and love. Furthermore, she encouraged me to write to her again.
I did. In fact, I immediately sent another e-mail to her. Again,
she responded within the hour.
We exchanged several more e-mails over the next three
days. She agreed to a phone call from me on Wednesday night.
We talked from 9 p.m. until after 1 a.m. We repeated the same thing
on Thursday and Friday evenings.
On Saturday, we met. I took her to dinner at a nice
restaurant and then we went dancing the rest of the evening. On Sunday,
we had dinner at her place.
Marilyn is a cute little blonde with a very outgoing personality.
She has all the characteristics that I had hoped for. Then again,
we are both talkers who enjoy having someone who will listen to us so now
we take turns doing both.
The following June, we were married. |
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That was just a year ago.
Sine then, we have begun to settle back in to married
life. Coincidentally, both of us had been married to our ex-partners
for some thirty years each. Adapting to someone else after being
single again (not to mention being middle-aged) can be a bit of a challenge
at times.
Not only had we become somewhat set in our ways but had
some high expectations of each other. Change did not come as easily.
There have been some upsetting moments between us but we have worked through
them. Being able to sit down next to each other and talk through
our differences has actually brought us much closer together. Of
course, there have been numerous discussions and conversations that have
focused on our need to resolve issues. Most are not serious nor crucial
but have needed to be worked on because they effect how we relate to each
other in all those little ways. So far, so good. In fact, we
have been able to verify to each other that our love is continuing to grow
as we resolve each challenge that comes our way.
Isn't that the way it is susposed to be?
Finally, there are those long moments of shared introspection
when we talk about our ex-mates. Already, we are beginning to notice
that we talk about them less often. As time goes by and our love
for each other increases, they don't seem to crop up in our conversations
as much. I remarked to her a few days ago that we don't seem to hardly
talk about either one of them anymore.
It seems to me that second marriages fulfill two purposes:
The first one is to meet the need of having someone special
in our lives to love; someone who will love us in return.
The second one is to help each other to heal from
our first marriages.
We seem to be right on track on both counts.
After returning from my meditational walk in the
front yard, I made my way back into our house. Having found myself
feeling like the luckiest man in the world, considering all I had been
through these past several years, I heard a sweet feminine voice calling
out to me from our bedroom.
You know, that purring voice with the "come hither"
tones.
I have to go now.
It did all work out in the end. |
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© all rights reserved - 1/1/2002
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The mission of this not-for-profit website is to promote clear insights
and toleration regarding the many variations of primary relationships that
exist in our world. We ask for neither acceptance or approval but
hope that each visitor who reviews the pages of this site will leave them
with a better understanding of the numerous cultural, historical, preferential,
religious, sexual, and sociological approaches to coupling that have always
existed and will continue to exist as long as there are at least two human
beings living on this planet. If the effort put into creating and
maintaining this site results in others coming to the realization that
the basic human need to love and be loved takes on many forms which are
accepted by those who practice them, whether right or wrong as determined
by the personal belief system of others, then it will have served it's
purpose well. |
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