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Engagement
Defined: The act of being engaged; betrothal; a promise
or agreement to be at a particular place at a particular time (that
last part isn't meant to define a pre-wedding engagement but, when thinking
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the eventual goal a couple has of getting married, it seemed, much like
a wedding ring, to fit quite nicely).
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The Engagement...
In medieval Brittany, a man wishing to marry left a hawthorn
branch at the door of his beloved on the first day of May. If she
returned the branch to his door, his proposal
was accepted. If, instead, he found a cauliflower at her door the
next day, he was rejected.
Times have changed and, although the emotional stakes
are as high as they ever were, today's engagement traditions are tailored
to suit the couple's tastes, no matter how romantic,
radical, or mundane. The old rules don't seem to apply anymore. Furthermore,
such common customs as the engagement party, giving an engagement ring,
and publishing newspaper accounts of the upcoming wedding are now considered
to be optional.
By contrast, a modern couple may have their own wedding
web page for the purpose of updating guests about upcoming plans for the
ceremony as well as the personal and professional backgrounds of the couple.
Sometimes, the page will include romantic stories about them, including
where they met and how they became engaged.
Still, no matter how engagement customs might change,
some traditions continue to be practiced and enjoyed......
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The Engagement
Ring...
Usually the engagement ring is a diamond. This tradition
was started by medieval Italians in the belief that the diamond was created
in the "flames of love" (watch out for those Italians!). Today, many
couples still prefer a diamond engagement ring, although other stones,
including birthstones, or a ring with sentimental value, such as a family
heirloom, are sometimes used. There is also no rule as to when the engagement
ring must be given, if it is given at all. Some couples choose to
combine their engagement ring and wedding band into one wide band inset
with small diamonds or another stone. Others put it off until a future
wedding anniversary, when it becomes a reaffirmation of the love
that inspired the marriage in the first place.
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The Engagement
Announcement....
Parents are usually the first to
receive the exciting news of an engagement, followed by the immediate families,
relatives, and then the friends of the couple. Of course, who is
going to follow this order when you can't wait to tell the whole world,
anyhow? The point is that you don't want the world to know until
those who love you best hear about it first.
Break the news gently. If your family doesn't
know that the two of you have been 'seeing' each other or should your family
not approve of your intended, hitting them with the news that you are getting
married will come as a shock. Senior members of the family may get
upset that you did not consult them before making the decision. In
these cases, it would be best to sit down with the parties involved and
tell them of your decision in a calm, mature, and matter of fact manner.
It may take time for them to adjust, but
the way the message is delivered will definitely impact the way that
they react to it.
Be excited, happy, and joyful. This is one
of the most wonderful things that could happen in anyone's life; to be
loved, desired, wanated, cherished, and needed. Everyone is expecting
you to act silly, be happy and even a little giddy. Whatever you
do, don't let them down.
Be confident. Answer everyone's questions
with assurance and revel in the new plans you are making with your sweetheart
from the wedding throughout the rest of
your lives together.
Communicate the good news. If most of your
relatives live out of town, put an ad in a national daily to inform them.
Send an e-announcement. Post your announcement on a message board.
Mail out formal announcements. Plan an engagement party for all of
your family and freinds.
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The Engagement
Party...
Traditionally, the engagement party is hosted by the family
of the bride or a close friend of the family. Its purpose is to formally
announce the engagement which is done through subtle clues and then officially
during a toast by the party's host on behalf of the couple. The setting
for the party can be either casual or formal. Also, it can be held
at any time of the day. The groom traditionally follows up the toast
with one of his own to his future bride and her family.
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The Engagement
& Pre-marital Counseling...
Before getting married it is a good idea to take advantage
of some pre-marital counseling. Many
priests and ministers require it if he/she is going to perform the ceremony.
Clergy have more experience than therapists in this area. Moreover,
many clergy make wise use of a counseling which measures the couple's strengths
and weaknesses in such areas as communication, personality, expectations,
equalitarian roles, leisure activities, conflict resolution, financial
management, parenting, etc. This
approach provides helpful information that will lead directly into any
issues that need to be considered, (e.g. will we have a family
and, if so, when and how many?). If you disagree now about how decisions
will be made or the division of labor, you could be setting yourselves
up for some major problems in the future. If your intended has personality
traits or ways of communicating which already bother you, these things
need to be resolved long before marriage. Pre-marital counseling
provides a great opportunity for couples to get to know each other better,
learn communication, decision-making, conflict resolution skills, prepare
for marriage, and prevent future problems.
Don't avoid this experience even if you think you are perfect for each
other. In fact, if you are convinced that you do have a perfect relationship,
go call your pastor right now!
Also, women should avoid making a mental list of changes
that she is going to make in her fellow. The caution here has to
do with the female tendency to think that they will effect change in a
man and then find out later that he is not going to comply. If you
are not comfortable with some of his traits now, you will need to determine
if they are tolerable or not.
Conversely, men should avoid thinking that she will never
change. Since men are more visual, the guys need to keep in mind
that the pretty young thing they are about to marry will someday be an
old lady who might have a few extra pounds and look very different.
In life, there is nothing more permanant than change.
Otherwise, women should not expect their guys to change
and men should expect their gals to definitely change.
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The Engagement
Period...
The engagement period can be a time to plan the upcoming
wedding
and a chance to prepare for the marriage that will follow. Pre-marital
counseling is recommended by many people as a chance to work on the relationship
before serious problems occur. With the amount of preparation required
for anything more than a simple wedding and reception, the average engagement
can last up to twelve months. Again, there is no set rule as to how
long the engagement period should last. That decision should be based
on the circumstances of the couple and their individual preferences.
The important thing to consider here is that the blinders
of early love be removed sufficiently enough for each person to have a
real understanding of the other person and the commitment that they have
made to each other.
Being engaged is a wonderful experience. Enjoy it
and have fun planning your wedding!
-© all
rights reserved - 10/22/2001---
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