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It's the second time around for both of us.
Since only 30% of second marriages survive, we are both
doing our best to make it work. It hasn't been hard. However,
it hasn't been easy, either.
Coincidentally, she and I were married to our high school
sweethearts. Not only were we married for almost the same number
of years, but our marriages broke up within a few months of each other.
Having survived the divorce process, being resingled in our middle-aged
years, and getting back in to the dating game, we finally found each other
via an Internet matchmaking site, Match.com.
We consequently fell in love, got engaged, and married.
That was over three years ago.
Our meeting had the magical feel of having found
each other's soul mate. However, our experience together over these three
years has been less the stuff of magic and more the stuff of working through
some things. Like any couple, those first months of finding new
love and romance
did not necessarily include pointing out all of our flaws, imperfections,
and annoying habits to each other.
I don't recall one time when she reminded me that she
prefers not to cook during the week or that she tends to be a clutterer.
During those first months of our dating,
we only saw each other on weekends. How would I have known that she
was not really into cooking since we went out for dinner. Furthermore,
I assumed that the only reason that her home did not look like a layout
in Ladies Home Journal was because she did not have a man in her life to
help her with such things.
Not once did I tell her that I love home cooked food and
that I am a neat freak.
After all, she did make dinner for me a few times but,
other than that, we ate out together. I made dinner
a few times at my apartment so she thought I liked to cook. I never
told her that those were the only two recipes that I could make.
As for my very neat apartment, she was impressed. Still, it was only
a one bedroom apartment so why would she be concerned that I might eventually
drive her crazy if our big post-marriage house didn't look like a layout
from Better Homes and Gardens?
We found those things out after we started living together
full-time.
No doubt, any couple who has been previously married and
has accumulated any years as an adult has developed a set personality,
routines, habits, etc. Determining if we can tolerate the differences
between us is important. However, keep in mind that love is an amazing
thing. It can help us accept those differences just the same. |
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Two Different
People...
Intellectually realizing that my new wife could not be
expected to mirror the strengths of my first wife is one thing; accepting
this concept as a reality is quite another thing. At first, I looked
for those characteristics. As a result, I set myself up for disappointment
and forced pressures upon her that were not fair.
She is a professional woman who sees our home as a place
of refuge, rest, and relaxation. My ex-wife was a stay at home mother
who thought of home as the place where she demonstrated her commitment
as a wife and mother. The new wife leaves piles of newspapers on
the living room carpet, whereas, the ex made me take my shoes off at the
door so that the carpet wouldn't get dirty. The new wife constantly
reminds me to do this or not do that. The ex-wife would push me away
when i did that or didn't do this.
Nevertheless, this very different lady who is now my wife
reminds me every day of her love for me. She does it in all those
little ways that mean so very much. To her, I am a knight in tarnished
armor who rescued her from the dragons of her past life. Sometimes
I hear her bragging about me to others. Not only is she proud of
me but she is happy to have a husband of whom she can feel pride. She really
does love me.
Conversely, I am a far stretch from the man she was married
to for those many years. To hear her tell it, that is a very good
thing and I trust her for it. Yet, I will never be able to say that
I was her high school sweetheart, the love of her youth, or the financial
success that he was for so many years. Those are things that count
in our lives and the relationships we experience.
I will have to settle with simply being the sweetheart
of her golden years; a man who goes to work each day, does his best, pays
the bills, and cherishes her as my friend, companion, and lover.
I love her very much and she knows it.
Two Different
Life Experiences...
She was born in the Midwest. I was born way out
West. Her father was a steel worker and a carpenter, whereas, my
father was a union leader. Her first marriage took her to the Orient
and back again. Due to my career, I have traveled the East coast
from top to bottom. She has seen all of the West coast. The
list of variations regarding our backgrounds goes on and on.
Those who grow up together, marry, raise children, and
are together until death separates them are truly blessed. However,
the realization in our relationship is that the differences in our backgrounds
provide us with the ability to see things through different eyes.
The result is that we are better able to face each situation that occurs
in our marriage by merging the richness of our pasts together.
The idea here is to benefit from the differences in our
experiences instead of pitting one against the other when challenged by
the stuff of life.
Those experiences should have provided us with a deeper
understanding of life, love, and how to live as we should. By combining
our experience, we are stronger and much more capeable of facing challenges
when they come our way.
Two Different
Relationships...
Second marriages are as much about healing as they are
about relating.
There have been those evenings, while sitting on the sofa
together, that we have shared the blessings and hurts; the good moments
and the painful ones; and the tragic endings of each of our first marriages.
As the sun dims and gives way to a moonlit sky, we sometimes listen to
each other, realizing that it hurts less and less as time goes by.
Perhaps, someday, it won't hurt at all anymore.
Nevertheless, our past primary relationships took
up the better part of our adult years. It is not easy to dismiss
a total of fifty-six years between us with those two other people.
They changed. We changed. Our relationships
with them continued to change and then finally ended.
When did the changes start?
What went wrong?
Why did all those bad things happen?
Both relationships started out with two people loving
each other; needing each other; wanting to be together for the rest of
our lives.
Then the day came when we gave up and called it quits.
All that happened in between contributed to the eventual
demise of our relationships.
Yet, as we share how it was that we related to them, the
one obvious fact is that we relate to each other very differently that
we did to them.
By avoiding the pitfall of expecting each other
to emulate the strengths of our ex-mates and appreciating the new strengths
we each bring to our marriage, we have happily found ourselves in a very
different kind of relationship.
Youthful immaturity has been replaced with middle-aged
wisdom. Most of it was learned the hard way but it was learned nevertheless.
As we both rise from the sofa to get ready for bed,
I say to her, "Wouldn't it have been wonderful if we would have met each
other when we were young? Our lives would have been so different."
Her reply?
"Yes, and we would have eventually gotten a divorce and
married those two other people the second time around."
Well, maybe.
Only 30% of second marriages succeed.
It takes a lot of love, commitment, and determination
to make a second marriage work.
Hopefully, this little article has provided you with a
few thoughts that will help the two of you be counted in in that 30%. |
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© all rights reserved - 10/5/2007
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The mission of this not-for-profit website is to promote clear insights
and toleration regarding the many variations of primary relationships that
exist in our world. We ask for neither acceptance or approval but
hope that each visitor who reviews the pages of this site will leave them
with a better understanding of the numerous cultural, historical, preferential,
religious, sexual, and sociological approaches to coupling that have always
existed and will continue to exist as long as there are at least two human
beings living on this planet. If the effort put into creating and
maintaining this site results in others coming to the realization that
the basic human need to love and be loved takes on many forms which are
accepted by those who practice them, whether right or wrong as determined
by the personal belief system of others, then it will have served it's
purpose well. |
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