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Identifying Your
Old Baggage...
Those who have not done their personal homework regarding
any leftover baggage from previous failed relationships are self-condemned
to repeat one loss after another. One would think that their still
being single after many years might indicate a need for an inner change.
However, there are those who refuse to make those changes. Rather,
they continue to superimpose their perceptions of what constitutes shortcomings
in those who have been discarded on to others who come into their lives.
It's a lose-lose situation and, until they decide to finally get rid of
their old baggage, they will continue to disappoint new loves who are truly
good people.
Some of the more common montras oft repreated by those
who have determined to wallow in their self-imposed singleness include...
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I can't find anyone whom I can trust.
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Everyone lies to me.
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I've never done anything wrong to these people.
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I don't need counseling.
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It was their faults--not mine.
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Everyone abuses me.
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Why is it so hard to find a nice person?
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How come no one cares about me?
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Everyone always ends up doing me wrong.
It's the old story of the person who claims that the whole
world is crazy and they are the only sane person. When it's everyone
else's fault and not our own, we are in trouble. So are the people
who think that they want us in their lives. |
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Everyone Has
Old Baggage...
The fact of the matter is that all of us mess up
with other people--especially those to whom we are closest. Anyone
who refuses to accept their own culpibility, or even the slightest acceptance
of being wrong at all from time to time, is clueless regarding what it
takes to mature a relationship.
The bottom line is that when we fail those who love us
best, a heartfelt apology and a willingness to make those necessary inner
adjustments go a long way in rounding out and strengthening what two people
share together. Conversely, leaving your mate with the understanding
that they are always wrong, no matter what, has a way of eventually bringing
a relationship to a definite conclusion--and usually with a "Thud!" as
the door slams shut and we are left alone.
Men who are blind to their over controlling natures and
self-centeredness will never experience reveling in a truly warm and loving
relationship. Women who cannot get past their mistrust and tendency
to build a list of perceived offenses will never know the joy of being
loved and cherished by a good man.
Furthermore, there are few relationships where one of
the parties is totally at fault when it fails.
Yes, he was a drunk. However, did he become an alcoholic
because he is an idiot or did she place such constant pressure on him and
nag him to the point where he turned to booze for relief? No one
would argue that he was absolutely wrong to allow himself to give in to
alcholism. Yet, anyone who effects another individual so negatively
that they become more vulnerable to such things has to admit some culpibility.
Yes, she did run off with another man. Still, if
the affair was based on sex only then there can be no doubt that the the
title "adulterer" is a just one. On the other hand, if the affair
was based on a real relationship where two people found each other on every
level because their mates were not willing to do the same, then there is
obviously enough blame to go around.
The natural tendency is to blame others.
This writer recalls those times when his children would
sometimes place the blame on their siblings for something they did wrong
just to avoid the consequences. Yet, mature adults should be expected
to take responsibility for their own errors, especially where they impact
those who love them best. The sad truth is that there are those who
simply cannot see their own shortcomings. Like a horse wearing blinders,
they only see the faults of others and are completely unable to see how
they affected those faults by their own actions or inactions.
They just won't grow up.
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How Does One
Get Rid of Old Baggage?
1. Listen to Others: Stop twisting what others
say to fit your own perceptions of why a relationship is struggling. Those
who love you are trying to show you something that you are refusing to
see, let alone accept and correct.
2. Recognize the Symptoms: If your relationships
continue to sour and self-destruct; if good people seem to tire of you
once they get to know you better; if you are still single after many years
then, gosh, don't you think it's time to go look in the mirror?
3. Get Some Help: There are many self-help books
that are available. Also, a good counselor can point out those areas
where we need to reevaluate our attitudes and approaches to love relationships.
4. Forgive the Past: Instead of repeating the faults
of those others time and time again, stop blaming them and begin identifying
where you were at fault. Forgive them and take responsibility for
whatever part you had in the failure of the relationship. If you
can't seem to do this, then go back and read the three preceding points
again and again until you snap out of it.
The bottom line is that no one should enter into a primary
relationship with someone who is still carrying their old baggage.
Such relationships, if they can be called as much, simply do not last.
They either turn very ugly or one person wisely walks away but no less
hurt by the experience.
Idealistically, all those who are high risk relationship
destroyers would be pre-qualified and then boycotted. No one would
put up with their absolute refusal to excercise their own demons.
They would be forced to turn to each other for human companionship, resulting
in a mass canibalizing of each other's souls. Instead of devistating
the lives of good people, they would only be allowed to feed upon each
other.
However, in the real world, such people still manage
to sucker others into their very confused and misconceived worlds.
Only those who are wise enough to allow their better sense to take charge
of their hearts will escape such people, thus, minimizing the emotional
damage.
Perhaps this article will wake up some of those who are
troubling others with their old baggage.
If not, maybe it will help those who are being victimized
to recognize the danger signs and remove themselves from what is predestined
to end up being a very desimating experience. |
-© all
rights reserved - 10/22/2001----
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The mission of this not-for-profit website is to promote clear insights
and toleration regarding the many variations of primary relationships that
exist in our world. We ask for neither acceptance or approval but
hope that each visitor who reviews the pages of this site will leave them
with a better understanding of the numerous cultural, historical, preferential,
religious, sexual, and sociological approaches to coupling that have always
existed and will continue to exist as long as there are at least two human
beings living on this planet. If the effort put into creating and
maintaining this site results in others coming to the realization that
the basic human need to love and be loved takes on many forms which are
accepted by those who practice them, whether right or wrong as determined
by the personal belief system of others, then it will have served it's
purpose well. |
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