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If I were to be asked the defining moment that forced
me to realize why a once loving relationship was fated to end, it was hearing
the words, "I took you for granted."
Most of us want to place the blame on something much more
tangible. However, such things as extra-marital affairs,
abusive
behavior, mutual frustration, and ongoing argumentation are simply
the outer manifestations of this very thing. None of them are indicative
of the root cause as to why a relationship sours. The real culprit
is apathy.
Like a bar room brawl where the only punch everyone sees
is the second one, few people are able to discern that it was not the surface
issue that destroyed the relationship. It happened long before when
assumptions and apathetic uncaringness became the destructive seeds.
When one person begins to take the other for granted, the relationship
is on it's way to its own final solution. Whatever happens following
that is merely a result and not a cause.
The opposite of love is not hate. It is apathy.
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Apathy &
Affairs...
However, human nature being what it is, few people are
able to admit the truth. Afterall, what could be more obvious than
a mate's infidelity? Being caught red-handed only proves that the
adulterous party is the real reason why the relationship was seriously
damaged or even ended. At least, that is the usual take on such a
situation. In fact, allowing oneself to fall into the arms of another
while still in an exclusive relationship
is indeed wrong by any moral standard. Still, when one looks more
closely, the truth is that one or the other is reacting out of a sense
of being the victim of an apathetic mate. The philandering mate obviouly
no longer cares and the offended mate refuses to accept that it might have
something to do with his/her own uncaringness that has eaten away at the
relationship for some time. As a result, two people end up blaming
each other when both are really victims of each other's apathetic attitude.
Somebody stopped caring. Someone else decided to
care less. The vicious circle began and two people who were once
very much in love are now in the midst of a crisis of the heart.
How does it happen?
A couple falls in love, enters
into an exclusive relationship, and find themselves enjoying every possible
moment with each other. However, as time goes by, the various external
pressures of life, as well as whatever internal issues (not yet realized
or even understood) begin to effect the way in which they relate.
In the meantime, they become so familiar with each other that all those
nice things that each did for the other begin to fade into obscurity.
Add to this mix an occasional argument or a few weeks of the silent treatment.
When all is said and done, any effort to work at the relationship becomes
a thing of the past. It's the beginning of the end.
That's the usual scenario. Any other situation is
a variation of the same. A mate who cheats may simply be a jerk.
On the other hand, he/she may be reacting (and wrongly so) to some very
deep-seated emotional needs that are not being met. Contrary to the
usual assumption, not all affairs are centered around sex. There
are those that involve two people who truly enjoy each other's company
out of the bed as well as in it. In a word they "care" about each
other. No one would disagree that an illicit relationship is a clear
violation of the one that is exclusive. However, expecting the offending
mate to take full responsibility when the other person began closing their
spirit long ago is denying the real root cause of the problem. Should
the one be required to admit guilt due to infidelity and the other never
see how his/her apathetic assumptions, unrealistic expectations, and taking
the relationship for granted were the very factors that set up the other's
fall.
A banana peel seems harmless enough until someone slips
on it and breaks a leg. |
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Apathy &
Abusiveness...
There
is no excuse for any kind of abusiveness in any kind of a relationship.
However, the word "abuse" has become a kind of catch-all for anything that
can't be otherwise defined without taking responsibility for one's own
part in the matter. Still, it can be reasonably argued that taking
one's mate for granted is it's own kind of abusiveness. Like a horse
wearing blinders, those who are most guilty are the first to deny it.
Again, no one can justify physical
or emotional abusiveness as just
another way of responding to a mate who has slowly grown detached.
On the other hand, who would deny that a husband's expectation that his
wife should always be sexually available or that a wife's expectation that
her husband always be emotionally available is just another form of apathetic
abusiveness. In either case, each is demonstrating a distinct lack
of caring for the other. When we begin to simply assume that the
other person is there for our benefit without having any consideration
for their feelings, then we are treading on thin ice.
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Apathy &
Frustration...
What
male is not frustrated when feeling the need to be intimate
with his mate, only to discover that she really doesn't care to respond?
Conversely, what female is not equally as frustrated to find that her mate
is upset with her because she is genuinely not feeling well and is unable
to enjoy intimacy at the moment?
The kind of frustration that results
from a sense of the other person simply not caring goes to the core of
who we are when confronted with it.
Of course, in any good relationship,
two people ought to be able to talk about it. When the love between
them is still strong and vibrant, such things can be easily resolved.
However, if this is not the case, the frustration only builds. Eventually,
it grows to the point where the cup overflows and one or the other either
explodes in a flurry of anger or simply finds someone else who is less
frustrating.
Human beings are not designed to
accept such things as shared history and family tradition over the more
fundamental needs of feeling loved and cared about. As a result,
few relationships last that are forced to endure a high level of
frustration.
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Apathy &
Argumentation...
Every
couple experiences an argument from time to time. I recall two sisters
who shared with me at the time of their mother's passing how it was that
their parents had never had an argument in all the years that they were
married.
However, their father informed me later that he and his wife had agreed
early on in their child-bearing years to never argue in front of the children.
Instead, they would wait until they were alone in their bedroom and then
hash out their differences in a more controlled fashion so that the girls
would never hear them. How many couples are so disciplined in their
approach to this reality of any longterm
relationship?
Still, there are many more
couples whose arguments further illustrate their lack of caringness for
each other. Instead of using them to allow each other the freedom
to vent and release whatever pent up frustrations may lie buried within,
they only become abusive and all the more alienated from each other.
This kind of argumentation fosters
an even more apathetic attitude toward each other. As a result, they
communicate less, show little affection
to each other (if any), and become more distant as time goes by.
Even more arguements ensue and finally, one day, they experience their
final confrontation with each other and it's over.
They simply don't care about each
other anymore. |
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© all rights reserved - 10/22/2001---
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The mission of this not-for-profit website is to promote clear insights
and toleration regarding the many variations of primary relationships that
exist in our world. We ask for neither acceptance or approval but
hope that each visitor who reviews the pages of this site will leave them
with a better understanding of the numerous cultural, historical, preferential,
religious, sexual, and sociological approaches to coupling that have always
existed and will continue to exist as long as there are at least two human
beings living on this planet. If the effort put into creating and
maintaining this site results in others coming to the realization that
the basic human need to love and be loved takes on many forms which are
accepted by those who practice them, whether right or wrong as determined
by the personal belief system of others, then it will have served it's
purpose well. |
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