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The
Problem with Co-dependency...
Co-dependency in a relationship can be a major obstacle.
Being dependent on your beloved for your own sense of self-worth and happiness
places undue pressure on the one who loves you most.
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The
Characteristics of Co-dependency...
When we are born, we have basic needs that in a normal,
healthy family are met and fulfilled. Besides our basic physical
needs we also need love, acceptance, trust, recognition, safety, companionship,
joy, freedom of expression etc.. The more dysfunctional our family of origin
is, the more these needs are not met. If a child is wounded (e.g.
sexual abuse) and these basic needs are not met by the family
of origin, the child becomes overwhelmed with pain. The more the
childs needs are not met, the more the child becomes preoccupied by others
behaviors and needs and the child within goes into hiding. The false self,
emerges. This self is incapable of getting his/her needs met.
As an adult, their own needs and true feelings go ignored. At times
the child inside still has to get these needs met and will come bursting
out and this can result in binges of depression, rage, addictions or actions
that hurt themselves or someone else. So co-dependency issues are
formed in our childhood as a result of our basic needs not being met.
As a result, these are some of the problems that co-dependents suffer from:
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Assuming that they are responsible for others feelings and behaviors
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Difficulty with identifying their own emotions such as anger, lonliness,
sadness or happiness and have difficulty expressing these feelings and
emotions
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Fear and worry about how others will respond if they do express their feelings
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Difficulty forming and maintaining close relationships
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Tremendous fear of being hurt or being rejected
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Suffering from perfectionism and place too many expectations on themselves
or others
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Difficulty making decisions
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Minimizing or denying the truth about how they feel (saying to themselves
"it really wasn't or isn't that bad)
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Other peoples actions and attitudes tend to determine how they respond
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Placing other peoples wants and needs before their own
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The fear of other peoples feelings like anger, determine what co-dependents
do or say
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They have to be needed to the extreme in order to have a relationship with
others
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Judging everything they do, think or say, by other peoples standards, nothing
is done, or said, or thought good enough.
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Questioning or ignoring their own values to connect with significant others
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Valuing other peoples opinions more than their own, with their self-esteem
being bolstered only by outer or other influences
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Inability to acknowlege good things about themselves
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Serenity and mental attitudes are determined by how others are feeling
and behaving
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Seemingly unaware that it is okay to be vulnerable, to ask for help, (have
trouble asking anyone for help or a favor)
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Unaware that it is acceptable to talk about family problems outside of
the family
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Other peoples wants come before their own
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Steadfastly loyal even when that loyalty is unjustified or is personally
harmful.
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The
Causes of Co-dependency...
Co-dependecy would affect childhood survivors of sexual
abuse in a big way because our needs for respect, protection, trust, safety,
etc... were not met depending on how the family dealt with the abuse. Should
they have known all along will also determine how the child's needs were
met. Other factors enter in, also (e.g. how dysfunctional the family of
origin was).
Children of alcoholics are most often co-dependent. This
explains why so many survivors enter into abusive relationships and dysfunctional
relationships in adulthood or why they have trouble saying yes, when they
mean no, or why they feel depression, or cannot leave a dysfunctional relationship,
cannot ask for a raise or a loan, and are afraid of confrontations and
many other issues. The key to getting over co-dependency would be to find
the true child within and begin to learn how to start meeting that childs
needs. By discovering how to meet those needs we are re-learning how to
love
ourselves. We can give to ourselves the things that should have been
given to us as children. We can stop letting other people determine who
we are and how we feel. |
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The
Resolution for Co-dependency...
Resolving these issues will go a long way in assuring
you and your beloved that undue pressure upon him/her will no longer be
an issue. To ignore co-dependency tendencies may indicate that you
are not willing to deal with those things that very well might prove to
be the seeds of destruction in your love relationship. On the other
hand, facing these same problems can bring personal healing and further
closeness between you and your mate.
The best gift that you can present your beloved is a whole
being who is not fettered by a need to be too dependent on him/her.
If you are truly in love, you can do it.
Take time to invistigate those resources that can best
meet your need for more understanding and insights regarding this important
issue. Good books written by qualified experts, along with some help
from a licensed psychologist or counselor can be invaluable.
Whether it's yourself or the one you love best, resolving
the co-dependency issue will mean much to your experiencing a longterm
and fulfilling relationship with your special someone. |
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The mission of this not-for-profit website is to promote clear insights
and toleration regarding the many variations of primary relationships that
exist in our world. We ask for neither acceptance or approval but
hope that each visitor who reviews the pages of this site will leave them
with a better understanding of the numerous cultural, historical, preferential,
religious, sexual, and sociological approaches to coupling that have always
existed and will continue to exist as long as there are at least two human
beings living on this planet. If the effort put into creating and
maintaining this site results in others coming to the realization that
the basic human need to love and be loved takes on many forms which are
accepted by those who practice them, whether right or wrong as determined
by the personal belief system of others, then it will have served it's
purpose well. |
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