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Reducing
Jealousy to It's Many Facets...
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We tend to think of jealousy as a single emotion, but
actually it is a bundle of feelings that tend to get lumped together. Jealousy
can manifest itself as anger, fear, hurt, betrayal, anxiety, agitation,
sadness, paranoia, depression, loneliness, envy, coveting, feeling powerless,
feeling inadequate, feeling excluded, or all of the above. It often
helps to identify the exact mix of emotions you experience when feeling
jealous. Identifying the primary emotion demystifies the specific
components of it and can be a giant step towards resolving the problem.
For example, one woman figured out that her jealousy was
about 50% fear, 20% anger, 20% feeling powerless and 10% feeling betrayed.
However, when she asked her partner for reassurance and affection,
he provided it. The anger and betrayal disappeared. Her jealousy
became more manageable because most of what was left was fear and she could
express those feelings more easily to her partner. As a result, her
jealousy was resolved and she was able to overcome it.
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Fear
Feeds Jealousy...
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It is crucial to understand what jealousy is about. Jealousy
is about fear--fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of losing power
or control in a relationship, fear of scarcity and of loss, and fear of
abandonment. It is a reflection of our own insecurities about our
worthiness, anxiety about being adequate as a lover, and doubts about our
own desirability.
For every jealous feeling, there is an emotion behind
it that is much more significant than the jealousy itself. Behind
jealousy there is also an unmet need or a deep fear that our needs will
not be met. Recognizing those fears and unmet needs is the key to
unmasking jealousy and taking away its power. Like a finger pointing
at the fears and needs we are afraid to face, this emotion kicks in.
It is the part of our brain going into a "fight or flight" response because
we feel that our very survival is being threatened. When you feel
jealous, ask yourself...
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What is it that really the thing that I fear?
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What do I need to make this situation safe for me?
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What is the worst thing that could happen?
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How likely is that to happen?
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Jealousy
is Driven by Societal Beliefs...
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Our society is addicted to three identifiable core beliefs
about relationships that are almost guaranteed to create jealousy even
in the most well-adjusted people. Most of us have absorbed these
beliefs without even realizing it. Identifying and dismantling these
beliefs is the single most effective way to short-circuit jealousy.
Ask yourself how much you really believe each of the statements below.
Notice which belief is most entrenched in your mind and which one you've
made the most progress on:
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Societal Belief 1: If
my partner really loved me, he/she wouldn't have any desire for anyone
else.
This belief sees any interest your partner has in anyone
else as a direct reflection of how much he/she loves you. It's a quantitative
view of love which equates your perception
of the status of your relationship with any suspicion that your partner
might look elsewhere . When you allow this fear to permiate your relationship,
those suspicions become realities and the result is that you could very
well build a case against your mate that is completely baseless.
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Societal Belief 2:If
my partner were happy with me, and if I were a good partner/spouse/lover/etc.,
my partner would be so satisfied that he/she wouldn't want to get involved
with anyone else.
This belief says that if your partner is interested in
someone else, it ís your fault for not being the perfect
lover or spouse. The first tendency when suspecting or even confirming
another love interest is to blame yourself. Conversely, one might
place the entire blame on his/her mate. The more likely case is that
both have to take some degree of responsibility. A relationshiip
that is threatened by the possibility of a third
party involvement will not survive if it is treated as "my problem"
or "his/her problem." Unless it is "our problem," a good outcome
might not occur.
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Societal Belief 3: It's
just not possible to love more than one person at the same time.
This belief is built on the belief that love is a finite
resource, there is only so much to go around, and there is never enough.
Therefore, if my partner gives any of his/her love to anyone else, that
necessarily means that there's less for me. Because most people already
feel there are some areas in their relationship where they are not getting
enough of something (time, love, affection, sex, support, commitment)
they are fearful that they will receive even less if their partner manifests
any love for another person.
This might take the form of your partner still retaining
some love for an ex-husband/wife, his/her expressing a deep appreciation
for someone with whom they work, or even a love that is natural to other
relationships such as parents or children. |
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Jealousy
Can Be Resolved...
Because each of these beliefs is connected to a very primal
fear, they take time and effort to overcome. The first belief expresses
a deep fear that you are not loved and will be abandoned. The second taps
into our insecurities and the fear that we are not adequate or deserving
of love. The third is a fear of deprivation and being starved for
love and attention. The resolution is to have compassion for yourself and
your partner as you work with these beliefs and gradually replace them
with more realistic and emotionally healthy beliefs that support your desire
to overcome jealousy.
Regardless of all that you share with another, jealousy
is something that will negatively impact whatever is good in your relationship.
Overcoming it will be necessary if you hope to maintain the relationship.
It will not be easy but it is necessary.
Love will find the way if you let it. |
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The mission of this not-for-profit website is to promote clear insights
and toleration regarding the many variations of primary relationships that
exist in our world. We ask for neither acceptance or approval but
hope that each visitor who reviews the pages of this site will leave them
with a better understanding of the numerous cultural, historical, preferential,
religious, sexual, and sociological approaches to coupling that have always
existed and will continue to exist as long as there are at least two human
beings living on this planet. If the effort put into creating and
maintaining this site results in others coming to the realization that
the basic human need to love and be loved takes on many forms which are
accepted by those who practice them, whether right or wrong as determined
by the personal belief system of others, then it will have served it's
purpose well. |
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