Needy People

Are You Needy?
   He's predatory.
   She's a more than willing victim.
   He is all bravado.
   She is all ears.
   He simply wants a good time.
   She wants a commitment.
   He isn't going to give her one.
   She'll get over him and go on to someone else.
   And they'll both repeat this same pattern over and over and over again.
   Neither one of them will admit that their attraction to each other is anything other than love. She wants to enjoy all of those wonderful feelings. He wants her to enjoy all of those wonderful feelings, too--just as long as it's with him. Of course, he knows that it's not love but he would never tell her that. Why mess things up when you can string someone along for awhile longer?
   While she spins round and round with no clue as to why she can't keep a man, let alone get the one she really wants, he goes from woman to woman as if on a quest.
   It has little to do with two people who are truly seeking their soulmates.
   More accurately, it's a need for emotional validation, sexual fulfillment, and social approval.
   In a word, it's all about being "needy."
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Emotional Validation...
Couples are everywhere. They live next door, can be seen shopping together at the malls, eat out at restaurants together, and are at every social function from church to movies.
   However, when one is single, not being part of a couple somehow seems to indicate that there might be something wrong. Younger single people take it more in stride, whereas, those who have been coupled (especially those who were married for many years) find singlehood to be very uncomfortable at first. Yet, in both cases, there is a need for coupling. It is natural. There is nothing wrong with it. That is, as long as one avoids plunging into love relationships just to prove that they are loveable.
    Those who struggle with this very thing need emotional validation.
   For most, finding someone special with whom to share their lives is all the validation that they need. For others, it is a need that must be fulfilled, no matter what. They will rush into any relationship that will fill in whatever emotional gaps are important to them, even if it is temporary. They are good to go as long as they are able to experience all of those wonderful feelings with someone. The other person validates them as someone who is worthy of love, valuable as a person, and desired as a man/woman. It's a basic human need. The point is that some are more needy than others and some of those are too needy.
   As a result, such relationships usually do not last. If the other person is more settled in their singleness, they become very stressed by the intensity of the one who is needy. Being responsible for continually validating another individual can be exhausting work.
   Conversely, this need also manifests itself on the opposite end of the spectrum. Once the need is validated, they soon become bored with the other person. This kind of person flits from one "relationship" to the next. Somehow they have convinced themselves that their value is based on the quantity of lovers they conquer more than the quality of love shared between two people.
    We all need to be validated. However, some are so heart hungry that they have to have it in large quantities and from a large number of people.

Sexual Fulfillment...
She has sex with him and is now convinced that he is committed to her.
   Heck, he just had a good time but he sure isn't going to tell her that.
   Yes, it is another form of emotional validation but, even moreso, the need to be fulfilled sexually is a driving force for most of us and an absolute need for some.
   I recently listened to a fifty-plus man state that he had been with "hundreds and hundreds of women." The number was obviously exagerated but I have no doubt that he has been with a good number of females in his life. Of course, his attitude toward women is extremely sour by now. He has very little esteem for them and insists that he will never have a serious longlasting relationship with any of them. I agree. You see, anyone who wraps a love relationship around sex alone is bound to fail in it. After a few months or so, the other person becomes boring in the bedroom. Afterall, there are only so many positions that you can get in to and doing it with the same person night after night can become very tedious if there is no real love shared between the two of them.
   Thus, those who are sexually needy are complelled to move on to one lover after another. While they have one person (or more) in bed, they are using every means available to attract others at the same time. Some are players. Some are downright promiscuous. Both are dangerous.
   Those who are sexually needy have a way of breaking hearts, spreading disease, and disappointing a lot of wonderful people.
   Furthermore, two sexually needy people who find each other are fatal attractions waiting to happen.
   This writer has experienced the onsloughts of female players. Since becoming single again, I've found myself in situations that most men would envy. However, being someone who cannot imagine loveless sex, I have declined without hesitation.
   My first date whispered across a restaurant table how she would pleasure me if I would but take her to a motel. The next commented at a dance how much better our rhythm would be in bed together. Yet another shared her fantasy with me of taking me out in a stretch limousine for a wonderful evening out, followed by a night of passionate lovemaking. She was followed up by a woman who invited me over for dinner and then attempted to seduce me. None of them loved me. All of them were much too needy. If any of them were to have been interesting to me at all, their brashness resulted in my disdain. Yes, like any male, I enjoy experiencing sex. However, I know the difference between someone who truly has fallen in love with me and a female player whose motto regarding men is, "Use them, abuse them, and then lose them."
   Sex is a wonderful thing. Two people who share physical intimacy within the context of a loving, caring relationship will never get bored with each other.

Social Approval...
Peer pressure is not restricted to teenagers in junior high school.
   Being the only single person in a crowd of couples is a very lonely experience. It is just as disconcerting being the only person in a social setting or group who is not dating or going steady. When one's friends are either dating or married, the sense of lonliness is almost unbearable.
   Then there are those dear friends who decide that they are going to help. These self-appointed matchmakers think up things like blind dates, dinner foursomes including their unmarried sisters or brothers, and setting their singles friends up with someone who is completely incompatible in every way. Once in a while they get lucky. More times than not, they only complicate feelings of inadequacy that are already there.
   A more healthy approach would be to accept aloneness no matter what the social setting. Even the taunts of others should not be enough to indicate that singleness makes one a lesser person. Hopefully, family and friends will be supportive and less apt to place any pressure on a single person.
   Still, there are those who are not so blessed. Their peers withhold complete approval unless they can measure up to their standard of acceptance. Of course, there are those who perceive this to be true when it is not. At any rate, having the need to be in a relationship so as to fit in socially can produce tragic results.
   That is, if one is really that needy.

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The mission of this not-for-profit website is to promote clear insights and toleration regarding the many variations of primary relationships that exist in our world. We ask for neither acceptance or approval but hope that each visitor who reviews the pages of this site will leave them with a better understanding of the numerous cultural, historical, preferential, religious, sexual, and sociological approaches to coupling that have always existed and will continue to exist as long as there are at least two human beings living on this planet. If the effort put into creating and maintaining this site results in others coming to the realization that the basic human need to love and be loved takes on many forms which are accepted by those who practice them, whether right or wrong as determined by the personal belief system of others, then it will have served it's purpose well.