|Are You Needy?
She's a more than willing victim.
He is all bravado.
She is all ears.
He simply wants a good time.
She wants a commitment.
He isn't going to give her one.
She'll get over him and go on to someone else.
And they'll both repeat this same pattern over and over
and over again.
Neither one of them will admit that their attraction to
each other is anything other than love.
She wants to enjoy all of those wonderful feelings. He wants her
to enjoy all of those wonderful feelings, too--just as long as it's with
him. Of course, he knows that it's not love but he would never tell
her that. Why mess things up when you can string someone along for
While she spins round and round with no clue as to why
she can't keep a man, let alone get the one she really wants, he goes from
woman to woman as if on a quest.
It has little to do with two people who are truly seeking
More accurately, it's a need for emotional validation,
sexual fulfillment, and social approval.
In a word, it's all about being "needy."
are everywhere. They live next door, can be seen shopping together
at the malls, eat out at restaurants together, and are at every social
function from church to movies.
However, when one is single,
not being part of a couple somehow seems to indicate that there might be
something wrong. Younger single people take it more in stride, whereas,
those who have been coupled (especially those who were married
for many years) find singlehood to
be very uncomfortable at first. Yet, in both cases, there is a need
for coupling. It is natural. There is nothing wrong with it.
That is, as long as one avoids plunging into love relationships just to
prove that they are loveable.
Those who struggle with this
very thing need emotional validation.
For most, finding someone special
with whom to share their lives is all the validation that they need.
For others, it is a need that must be fulfilled, no matter what.
They will rush into any relationship that will fill in whatever emotional
gaps are important to them, even if it is temporary. They are good
to go as long as they are able to experience all of those wonderful feelings
with someone. The other person validates them as someone who is worthy
of love, valuable as a person, and desired as a man/woman. It's a
basic human need. The point is that some are more needy than others
and some of those are too needy.
As a result, such relationships
usually do not last. If the other person is more settled in their
singleness, they become very stressed by the intensity of the one who is
needy. Being responsible for continually validating another individual
can be exhausting work.
Conversely, this need also manifests
itself on the opposite end of the spectrum. Once the need is validated,
they soon become bored with the other person. This kind of person
flits from one "relationship" to the next. Somehow they have convinced
themselves that their value is based on the quantity of lovers they conquer
more than the quality of love shared between two people.
We all need to be validated.
However, some are so heart hungry that they have to have it in large quantities
and from a large number of people.
has sex with him and is now convinced that he is committed to her.
Heck, he just had a good time but
he sure isn't going to tell her that.
Yes, it is another form of emotional
validation but, even moreso, the need to be fulfilled sexually
is a driving force for most of us and an absolute need for some.
I recently listened to a fifty-plus
state that he had been with "hundreds and hundreds of women." The
number was obviously exagerated but I have no doubt that he has been with
a good number of females in his life. Of course, his attitude toward
women is extremely sour by now. He has very little esteem for them
and insists that he will never have a serious longlasting
relationship with any of them. I agree. You see, anyone who
wraps a love relationship around sex alone is bound to fail in it.
After a few months or so, the other person becomes boring in the bedroom.
Afterall, there are only so many positions that you can get in to and doing
it with the same person night after night can become very tedious if there
is no real love shared between the
two of them.
Thus, those who are sexually needy
are complelled to move on to one lover after another. While they
have one person (or more) in bed, they are using every means available
to attract others at the same time. Some are players.
Some are downright promiscuous. Both are dangerous.
Those who are sexually needy have
a way of breaking hearts, spreading disease,
and disappointing a lot of wonderful people.
Furthermore, two sexually needy
people who find each other are fatal attractions waiting to happen.
This writer has experienced the
onsloughts of female players. Since becoming single
again, I've found myself in situations that most men would envy.
However, being someone who cannot imagine loveless sex, I have declined
My first date whispered across a
restaurant table how she would pleasure me if I would but take her to a
motel. The next commented at a dance how much better our rhythm would
be in bed together. Yet another shared her fantasy with me of taking
me out in a stretch limousine for a wonderful evening out, followed by
a night of passionate lovemaking. She was followed up by a woman
who invited me over for dinner and then attempted to seduce me. None
of them loved me. All of them were much too needy. If any of
them were to have been interesting to me at all, their brashness resulted
in my disdain. Yes, like any male, I enjoy experiencing sex.
However, I know the difference between someone who truly has fallen in
love with me and a female player whose motto regarding men is, "Use them,
abuse them, and then lose them."
Sex is a wonderful thing.
Two people who share physical intimacy
within the context of a loving, caring relationship will never get bored
with each other.
pressure is not restricted to teenagers in junior high school.
Being the only single person in
a crowd of couples is a very lonely experience. It is just as disconcerting
being the only person in a social setting or group who is not dating or
going steady. When one's friends are either dating
or married, the sense of lonliness
is almost unbearable.
Then there are those dear friends
who decide that they are going to help. These self-appointed matchmakers
think up things like blind dates, dinner foursomes including their unmarried
sisters or brothers, and setting their singles friends up with someone
who is completely incompatible in every way. Once in a while they
get lucky. More times than not, they only complicate feelings of
inadequacy that are already there.
A more healthy approach would be
to accept aloneness no matter what the social setting. Even the taunts
of others should not be enough to indicate that singleness makes one a
lesser person. Hopefully, family and friends will be supportive and
less apt to place any pressure on a single person.
Still, there are those who are not
so blessed. Their peers withhold complete approval unless they can
measure up to their standard of acceptance. Of course, there are
those who perceive this to be true when it is not. At any rate, having
the need to be in a relationship so as to fit in socially can produce tragic
That is, if one is really that needy.
© all rights reserved - 10/22/2001---
The mission of this not-for-profit website is to promote clear insights
and toleration regarding the many variations of primary relationships that
exist in our world. We ask for neither acceptance or approval but
hope that each visitor who reviews the pages of this site will leave them
with a better understanding of the numerous cultural, historical, preferential,
religious, sexual, and sociological approaches to coupling that have always
existed and will continue to exist as long as there are at least two human
beings living on this planet. If the effort put into creating and
maintaining this site results in others coming to the realization that
the basic human need to love and be loved takes on many forms which are
accepted by those who practice them, whether right or wrong as determined
by the personal belief system of others, then it will have served it's