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Cohabitation
Defined:
To live together as spouses; to live together
in a sexual relationship when not legally married.
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Cohabitation
- Why People Do It...
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There are 5.6 million people in the United States who
are living together without being formally married (1998 Census report).
This represents a fivefold increase since 1970. This figure does
not include unmarried people who are in relationships but do not live together
and single people who do not wish to marry. About 1/3 of all first births
in the United States are to unmarried women. The `Ozzie and Harriet'
couple only constitutes about 10 percent of all primary relationships.
The reason for the massive increase in cohabitating is due to a number
of factors including women in the workforce, changing religious attitudes,
no-fault divorce laws, and greater visibility
of gay, lesbian,
bisexual,
and transgendered people.
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Most couples will eventually marry. However, those who do not
formally wed decide not to do so for a
number of reasons:
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Some have been through the pain of a divorce and opt for cohabitation to
avoid ever having to repeat the experience of a marital breakup.
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The increase in the number of divorces (over half of all marriages) leads
some to believe that living together is better; especially when they know
couples who have done so for a long time.
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Growing numbers of senior citizens find that they lose governmental benefits
if they marry.
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Some associate marriage with religion while rejecting any kind of religious
connection.
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Today's women would rather remain independent, so they avoid the traditional
approach implied by marriage in regard to being secondary in a primary
relationship, having to change their last name, and legally associating
their finances/possessions with a man who may not be doing as well.
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In the event that there is a breakup, the financial considerations are
not anywhere near as serious as that which is involved in a legal marriage
such as child support and alimony/spousal support.
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It is cheaper than living alone.
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Cohabitation
- The Down Side...
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Of course, there are also some negative aspects of cohabiting
that should be seriously thought about by those considering it.
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Most state laws give limited protection to unmarried couples resulting
in financial loss should a breakup occur (e.g. he owns the house or she
owns the car)
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Family members may not understand or agree with your decision to cohabitate
with your mate. You might lose their support or constantly feel pressure
from them to marry.
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Most employers (94%) do not provide medical insurance that includes and
covers unmarried partners.
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Even though much has changed in regard to accepting variation in our society,
it is still not as supportive of cohabitating couples
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Difficulties in raising children relative
to societal expectations (e.g. explaining to the neighborhood child why
you are really not Mrs. Smith).
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Some people have strong religious convictions
and this may cause an eventual breakup if their faith precludes cohabitation
even though they enter into such a relationship with no obvious qualms
inititally.
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Cohabitation
- One Point of View...
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If you are not ready for marriage but want a steady partner,
living together offers obvious advantages and some risks. It can
be a fantastic, real life learning experience of loving and adjusting on
equal terms with another person. Still, should a breakup
eventually occur, it can still be messy and painful--almost like a divorce.
If you are considering marriage, have
the time, and are psychologically aware of the pitfalls, living together
may be a good way to initially assess the compatibility of the two of you
in an intimate situation.
However, this is a tricky undertaking because 1) you are
romantically
in love, probably still infatuated, and eager to continue impressing/winning
over the partner, but 2) you are also attempting to honestly assess the
quality of this relationship in the long run and must be willing to leave
the relationship (otherwise it isn't a test or a trial). While you
are not unswervingly determined to marry your partner, you must make every
effort to make it work. While appreciating his/her efforts to be especially
nice, you must not assume he/she will always be this as wonderful or
nice. These are difficult undertakings and judgment calls, even for a mature,
experienced person.
Just as love is a choice, so is cohabitation. Just
as marriage should be a well thought out decision, moving in with someone
should be carefully considered before making a longterm commitment.
Whatever you do, carefully consider all of your options
and make sure that cohabitation is for you.
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Cohabitation
- What the Law Says...
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There is a common misconception that if you live together
for a certain length of time, you are married common-law. This is not true
in most places. Common law marriages are recognized in the District of
Columbia and only 14 states: Alabama, Colorado, Idaho, Iowa, Kansas, Montana,
New Hampshire, Ohio, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina,
Texas, Utah.
If you live in one of these states and you "hold yourself
out to be married" (by telling the community you are married, calling each
other husband and wife, using the same last name, filing joint income tax
returns, etc.), you can have a common law marriage. If you choose to end
your relationship, you must get a divorce, even though you never had a
wedding. If you live in these states and don't want your relationship to
become a common law marriage, you must be clear that it is your intention
not to marry.
If you live in a state without common law marriage, it
is not an issue for you. There is one catch: if you live in a state that
does recognize common law marriage, hold yourself out as married, and then
return or move to a state that doesn't recognize it, you are still married
(since states all recognize marriages that occurred in other states). Please
note: If you are concerned about the specifics of common law marriage,
research the laws of your state.
© all rights reserved - 10/22/2001
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The mission of this not-for-profit website is to promote clear insights
and toleration regarding the many variations of primary relationships that
exist in our world. We ask for neither acceptance or approval but
hope that each visitor who reviews the pages of this site will leave them
with a better understanding of the numerous cultural, historical, preferential,
religious, sexual, and sociological approaches to coupling that have always
existed and will continue to exist as long as there are at least two human
beings living on this planet. If the effort put into creating and
maintaining this site results in others coming to the realization that
the basic human need to love and be loved takes on many forms which are
accepted by those who practice them, whether right or wrong as determined
by the personal belief system of others, then it will have served it's
purpose well. |
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