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There are many situations and scenarios that could be
used to illustrate the way that single
men and women relate. I've been searching for a good way to compose
an article that deals with the way that the sexes perceive certain things
so differently. Thanks
to a lady friend with whom I correspond, who also enjoys social dancing,
we came up with a perfect way to convey these differences.
We trust that you will enjoy our combined effort
to illustrate the dance of the sexes in this little piece that we call
"The One Second Decision." |
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The Setting...
It's Friday night and the Back Stage Club is packed with
dancing singles. Two dozen or so round tables surround a large hardwood
dance floor with a well-equipped bar off to the side. The older
crowd fills the place during the early evening hours with the younger
singles coming in somewhat later. The DJ knows how to play to the
crowd. It's jitter bug and slow dances for the first few hours with
rap and hip-hop finishing out the evening. The lights are turned
down low, the place is rocking and now the dance of the sexes is about
to take place.....
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His
Point of View.....
I spent the first few times I attended a dance (following
my marital separation) as one of the "guys who held up the walls."
At least, that is what women call the men who never ask anyone for a dance.
They just lean up against the wall and hold it up.
However, I noticed this tall older man who had no trouble
getting women to dance with him. He was very good at it and,
when invited, every single gal in the place would jump up to join him. |
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I'm
a wild man!
She
loves me!
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He wasn't the best looking guy but he obviously kept
himself up and had a wonderful way of sharing the good time he was having
with the ladies who danced with him. After watching this guy for
almost an entire evening, I drove home that night convinced that one of
the best ways to meet women was to become a good dancer. I was right.
My "holding-the-wall-up" days were over.
It was not easy getting out on the floor with two
feet that both faced left. However, after some months, I had a nice
slow dance style, a great feel for rhythm when I fast danced, could keep
up with several popular line dances, and had become a decent dance partner
for anyone who would share the floor with me. I also lost about 50
pounds, grew my hair a little longer, and got a few new outfits for those
special nights out. I was good to go.
For the most part, it worked. I enjoy going out
dancing two to three times a week and have several ladies whom I eventually
came to consider my regular dance partners. We have a lot of fun
together. While the other guys are holding up the walls, I'm now
a dancing fool.
However......
I've come to realize that we men really don't want to
feel foolish, especially where there are females involved. If we
are not sure that we can nail a certain type of dance, we won't even attempt
it. Male pride is genetic. Not only that, but every time we
ask a new lady for a dance, the fear of rejection is always right there
in front of us. Sometimes it takes forever to get up the nerve to
ask someone who might catch our eye.
To complicate matters even worse, I have experienced those
moments when, upon asking a lady for a dance, she does a quick scan of
me from head to toe and then responds with a "No, but thank you, anyhow."
When that happens, I feel this overwhelming need to run to the men's room
to look in the mirror just in case my nose is running or my shirt is hanging
out the back of my pants.
Then there are the gals who seem to have mastered the
"ice queen" routine. They turn down
one guy after another regardless of how nice they are because they are
waiting for Prince Charming to show up. These women either end up
sitting there like a bump on a log or they finally give in and dance with
one of us commoners..
Finally, there is the woman who turns me down cold
and then happens to notice that I can really boogie. I've actually
had them come up to me after a rejection and tell me that they would now
love to dance with me. My first temptation is to say, "No, but thank
you, anyhow." Instead, I smile and end up dancing with her a few
times.
The dance of the sexes is awkward at times. Toes
do get stepped on and we get out of rhythm. However, there are those
wonderful moments when she and I dance together in perfect harmony.
So, I'll just keep dancing until I find the one who will dance with me
for the rest of her life and be my partner every night.
--
Her
Point of View....
Could
it be that the women you are referring to are just not attracted to whoever
it is that is asking them to dance, and would prefer to sit one out than
to dance with someone and lead them on? I am going to try to give
you something that you can't possibly have, and that is a woman's perspective.
Close your eyes and imagine yourself
sitting at a table, when someone comes up behind you and says, "Would you
like to dance?" You turn, and then have one second--YES, ONE SECOND--to
say either yes or no. |
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He's
a terrible
dancer
but he
is
rather cute.
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You may have several reactions to the person
asking you to dance. You may be neutral in that is he is not awful
but, then again, he is not Paul Newman either.
He may be old. He may be fat.
He may be too tall. He may be too short. He may be too skinny.
You may think, well, he's not too bad, and then you get out on the floor
and he starts waving his arms wildly and tries to imitate John Travolta
in "Saturday Night Fever." But the thing to remember here is that
the woman has one second to make up her mind. It may be early in
the evening and she's in a good mood and thinks, oh what the hell, it's
only one dance and says yes.
Later on she's seen one or two who
she's hoping will ask her and they don't, but some poor guy comes up and
asks her to dance, that poor guy gets the brunt of her frustration and
the "no" answer. She sits alone and you, the man, think, "What the
hell did I do?"
I went to a dance tonight and had
some of the same
situations that I related above. I danced
quite a few dances with a man who is way above me in that he is an accomplished
ballroom dancer, but we did some decent swing numbers, a cha cha, and he
was teaching me the hustle, which I have attempted once before. There
was a man pursuing me, a
bit older I must say, and I had to turn him down
on a slow number or two before he would leave me alone. I had danced
with him earlier on in the evening, but that doesn't mean that I want to
be exclusive with him. It's very
tricky for all parties, both male and female. I left the dance after
two hours, because the floor was thinning out, and some couples seemed
to be established. Of course, the "wall holder upper's" were there
in full force. I am so glad that they are there so I don't have to
worry about the walls collapsing around me as I
dance.
I fully sympathize with you guys
having to do all the asking and risking rejection every time. But
you also need to sympathize with us poor girls. Where you have the
advantage is that you control who you ask and who you don't, while we have
the continual "risk" of being asked by men we would prefer not to dance
with.
Where the one second thing comes
in is that sometimes we are blindsided, because maybe he has come up behind
us and we hear the question, "Would you like to dance?" before we have
the opportunity to see him. So if we turn around, look at him, size
him up, then render a decision, it may seem like we
are making our decision solely on physical attributes.
Now, I try not to do that most of the time and wind up dancing with quite
a few men I would rather not be with.
So, here's what happens next.
I've danced with a man I would rather not, but have done so and now he
won't leave me alone. Now as the evening progresses, I may start
to make some decisions based on physical attributes if I get tired enough
of "latcher on'ers," if you will. So one time I might be considered
a fun loving gal if I just dance with everyone who asks, and the next I
might be labeled a frustrated, bitter bump on the log if I turn someone
down.
I also think some of the women you
encounter (the "bumps on the logs) are just as much frustrated that they
haven't met their Paul Newmans as opposed to being unwilling to enter into
a relationship. Perhaps they have unrealistic expectations.
I'm just guessing here, of course. I wonder if they put forth that
they don't want to enter into a relationship because they are bitter, just
so they don't have to say, I'm not interested or attracted to you.
One thing I have gotten out of all
these experiences is a better sense of myself. So many people, both
men and women, have said to me in amazement, "Do you just go there by yourself,
not knowing anyone?" I am basically a shy person, but I try to overcome
it and step out boldly when I can. But there are many moments in
the evening when I may be sitting alone for whatever reason and may at
that moment lack the gumption to just go up to anybody and start to talk
with them. Many times other people observing a shy person sitting
alone may make the mistake of thinking they are a snob.
There is no reason why a woman can't
ask a man to dance, but for some reason that is one thing I find difficult
to do, and don't do it.
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Finally...
There
you have it. As you can see, the dance club scenario provides us
with a good way to illustrate the different perceptions that men and women
might have when in the same situation together.
We don't see things the same
way, especially when it comes to social situations.
Hopefully, my friend and I
have given you some good insights into the dance between the sexes.
At least, that was our intention.
By the way, woud you like
to dance? |
© all rights reserved - 10/22/2001--
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The mission of this not-for-profit website is to promote clear insights
and toleration regarding the many variations of primary relationships that
exist in our world. We ask for neither acceptance or approval but
hope that each visitor who reviews the pages of this site will leave them
with a better understanding of the numerous cultural, historical, preferential,
religious, sexual, and sociological approaches to coupling that have always
existed and will continue to exist as long as there are at least two human
beings living on this planet. If the effort put into creating and
maintaining this site results in others coming to the realization that
the basic human need to love and be loved takes on many forms which are
accepted by those who practice them, whether right or wrong as determined
by the personal belief system of others, then it will have served it's
purpose well. |
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