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 Red
Flags Defined: Those little comments made by the other
person signaling that something is not quite right. They also include
certain characteristics and behaviors that can be a sure tip off that there
are issues worth further consideraton before pursuing any kind of a relationship.
This page is simply meant to identify some of the
more common red
flags. None of them are meant to be conclusive
evidence that someone would not make a good mate.
However, they are intended simply to provide you with some idea as to which
ones should be quetioned before you make a commitment
to someone. Afterall, seeing a ring on his wedding finger just might
be a red
flag that begs an explanation before you go any
further with a relationship. That example may seem to be a no-brainer
but the point is that there are other more subtle flags that, when raised,
need to be recognized for what they are.
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Abusive
& Controlling:-Give
and take, tempered by some compromise here and there, indicates that a
relationship is healthy. However, if one of the persons involved
wants everything on his/her terms, then serious problems can arise.
Furthermore, there are those who will become verbally, emotionally, or
physically abusive if they do not
get their
way.
Argumentative
& Irritating:-Some people
are just contrary. They will question much of what you say to them,
put their own twist on it, or challenge your every thought. Basically,
they are full of themselves and feel that their opinion is the only one
that counts. Is this something that you want to live with for the
rest of your life?
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Baggage
& History: -Someone
who has been previously married may be
still be seriously affected by unresloved issues (old baggage). Also,
one's past, parents, and previous relationships can negatively impact how
they relate to others.
Conservative
& Liberal:-Does his/her
religious
views place any uncomfortable limitations on a relationship?
Is their approach to the things of life too conservative
for you? On the other hand, does he/she hold liberal views that are
just too far to the left for you to be able to tolerate? Whoever
said that politics and religion should not be discussed amongst couples
may have set a lot of people up for eventual failure in their primary
relationships.
Educated
& Intelligent:-Is it
really snobbish to want someone who is able to intelligently articulate
their views in a discussion or comprehend abstract thinking? Although,
it is entirely possible that a person with a doctorate degree can deeply
love
an individual who never graduated from high school, one should consider
what they are willing to live with in this regard.
Inattention
& Disinterest:-People
who truly love each other want to be with each other as much as possible.
If your boy/girlfriend has one excuse after another as to why they are
not available to you, then you might look elsewhere. Either they
are not really interested in you or you simply need more attention.
You can't make someone want to be with you. It has to come naturally
and be obvious.
Men
& Philandering:-There
are indeed men who have made the mistake of cheating
on
their on their girlfriends/ex-wives and would never do it again.
However, there are those (women included) who never learn their lesson,
resulting in an ongoing promiscuous behavior. |
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Money
& Debt:-Those who will
not consider dating a person due to the other
person being only moderately stable are called "golddiggers." Conversely,
if the other person is unemployed, deeply in debt, in the middle of bankruptcy,
or uses illegal means to make a living, you might seriously consider whether
living on love will truly be enough.
Passive
& Submissive:-You might
want someone who is easy going, agreeable, and amiable. However,
if a person is simply too passive, has no real mind of their own, and gives
into everything you say and want, they might be very sweet or just absolutely
mindless.
Secretive
& Tight Lipped:-If,
afer a few dates, he doesn't want to show you his home, it might be because
his wife lives there with the six children. If she refuses to talk
about her past, then you might want to determine if this is a way of avoiding
having to explain why she was in prison for all those years.
Sex
& Timing:-If your date
wants to jump into bed with you during your first time out together, you
just might ask yourself the question, "If he/she wants to have sex with
me this quick, how many others have there been and how many more will there
be?"
On the other hand, if he/she does not want to be touched
even though you have dated exclusively for several months, you just might
ask if physical intimacy will ever
be a consideration.
Unavailable
& Too Busy:-Trying to
develop a meaningful relationship with someone who is too self-absorbed
or overly involved with their businesses or personal interests will result
in lonliness. On the other hand, you might have a "player"
on your hands who has developed the ability to have more than one relationship
without the others being aware.
Women
& Kids:-The key word
here is "balance." A woman who commits most of her time to you and
neglects the children is one extreme. If she only pencils you in
for a few hours here and there because she feels a greater responsiblity
to her child(ren), then that would be the other extreme. However,
if she has found a way of balancing the two and wants to include you in
the time she spends with her children, you could very well have a good
situation regarding children.
There is also the issue regarding undisciplined children
or those situations where it is made clear to you that you will have either
little or no say in correcting misbehavior.
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None of the red
flags above should be taken to mean that one needs
to dump another person who displays
any one of them. They are simply attitudes, behaviors, and characteristics
that are worth looking at more closely before entering into a relationship.
Making the mistake of not investigating them further may result in making
a real mistake; one that could have tragic consequences.
Be careful. The outer package may not be a true
indication of the inner person. Once the initial physical attraction
is past, the more intangible characteristics will become more important
to you. Conversely, be sure to recognize these same flags within
yourself and either correct them or get the help you need to do so.
If you truly love someone, you will want them to have the very best just
as you expect the same of the other person.
© all rights reserved - 10/22/2001
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The mission of this not-for-profit website is to promote clear insights
and toleration regarding the many variations of primary relationships that
exist in our world. We ask for neither acceptance or approval but
hope that each visitor who reviews the pages of this site will leave them
with a better understanding of the numerous cultural, historical, preferential,
religious, sexual, and sociological approaches to coupling that have always
existed and will continue to exist as long as there are at least two human
beings living on this planet. If the effort put into creating and
maintaining this site results in others coming to the realization that
the basic human need to love and be loved takes on many forms which are
accepted by those who practice them, whether right or wrong as determined
by the personal belief system of others, then it will have served it's
purpose well. |
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