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Crazy Time...
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The term was coined by Abigail Trafford in her book by
the same name.
She is referring to those times just previous to
a marital breakup, through the "in
between time," and, hopefully, concluding with either a balanced sense
of single satisfaction or being in a loving committed
relationship.
If you are contemplating a divorce,
you might read her book first. After reading it, if you still think
that you can deal with all of the stress, pain, upset, and the nightmarish
consequences of ending a marriage, then
go for it.
It is indeed a crazy time.
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Crazy Choices.....
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Most
people look back at those last few years previous to the breakup of their
marriage and regret many of the choices that they made at the time.
If they just would have gotten some good professional
counseling together. If they just would not have spent so much
money. If they just wouldn't have gotten involved in that affair.
If they just would have kept their cool and not been so angry all of the
time--and so on and so on.
Many of the silly things we do while
deciding whether or not to separate from our mates come back to haunt us
later on. A good counselor might have helped us save the relationship.
Getting into debt will make it that much more financially difficult should
a divorce take place. An affair may
not effect you financially when divorcing but it will sure make it hard
to explain to everyone you know why your ex is just as much at fault as
you are for the marriage going down the tubes. Even if he/she does
deserve a good deal of the blame, you will be the dirty dog no matter what.
Anger? You'll kick yourself in the head for losing control all of
those times when a cooler head would have accomplished so much more.
Of course, there are other crazy
things that we do when we begin sensing that the end of our marriage is
fast becoming a reality. The caution here is to refrain from doing
anything that will come back on you. It's better to pay pennies on
the dollar now than to pay lots of dollars later on. |
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Crazy "In Between"
Time...
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Most
people do experience some craziness when separating from their mates.
Others redefine the word "crazy." Their newfound sense of liberation
and independency causes a strange combination of lonely
anxiety and jubilant freedom. The two extremes are overwhelming in
both directions. As a result, people do some things that are way
outside their previous experience and not always based on acting
Sex becomes a quest.
Affirmation
by others becomes a necessity. Self-centeredness comes naturally.
Falling in and out of love becomes a pattern. If not for this nutty
time of frolicing in a kind of adult fun park, psychologists would go broke.
In fact, it is chic for recently divorced persons to share what their counselor
told them during their last consultation. Those who do not seek professional
counseling are more apt to stay crazier a little longer. Most eventually
pull out of it. Some never do.
There comes a time when those who
have feasted on one sexual conquest
after the other get tired of loveless intimacy. In time, those who
are sensible begin to understand that they are not defined by what others
think about them. Self becomes boring. Truly, falling in love
becomes something well worth waiting for. Healing
from the divorce begins to take place, unresolved issues are dealt with,
and your counselor would rather see other patients because you are no longer
insane enough for him to spend any more time with you.
Crazy time is over. |
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Crazy In Love
Again...
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It's
not a cure all and should never be considered as such. In fact, too
many individuals plunge immediately into either a cohabitation
relationship or even get married soon after the break up of their prevous
marriage. They are not willing to endure their own crazy "in between"
time so they rebound into another primary relationship without really sorting
out who they are, what they need, and with whom they would be most compatible.
What could be worse than ending a second marriage not too long after refusing
to deal with the aftermath of the first
one? The word "catastrophe" comes to mind.
Conversely, there are those who
simply decide to jump in with both feet, endure the lonliness of separation,
and deal with the losses that come with divorce. In the meantime,
they work their way through their own craziness and simply grow out of
it--not to mention whatever help and encouragement they get from family,
friends, and the professional community.
The struggle to upright oneself
after the worst tragedy that a human being can endure--the dissolution
of what was once the relational core of their existence--will be a major
challenge to anyone who must face it. Those who do so, having passed
through their own personal crazy time, can come out of it stronger, more
determined, and with a much better sense of who they are.
It is only then when one is able
to fully comprehend the true meaning of falling in love, of finally being
ready to share oneself with another and be able to give as well as receive.
In a great sense it is like purging
the poison out of your system. It's finally coming to terms with
those parts of your past child who never passed through all of the natural
stages of human emotional growth. Once you have come through the
other side, you will look back and realize that you said and did some things
that you'll never repeat again. You'll reflect back on some of the
silliness of it all and wonder how in the world you ever could have allowed
yourself such over extensions of personal freedom. You'll need to
forgive yourself even if others never do. Yet, these will be the
very experiences that will shape a much better future; not because you
will continue to repeat the errors of that crazy in between time but because
you have learned from them.
Now, you are ready to be crazy in
love again. |
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© all rights reserved - 10/22/2001--
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The mission of this not-for-profit website is to promote clear insights
and toleration regarding the many variations of primary relationships that
exist in our world. We ask for neither acceptance or approval but
hope that each visitor who reviews the pages of this site will leave them
with a better understanding of the numerous cultural, historical, preferential,
religious, sexual, and sociological approaches to coupling that have always
existed and will continue to exist as long as there are at least two human
beings living on this planet. If the effort put into creating and
maintaining this site results in others coming to the realization that
the basic human need to love and be loved takes on many forms which are
accepted by those who practice them, whether right or wrong as determined
by the personal belief system of others, then it will have served it's
purpose well. |
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