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Being Lonely
or Being Alone...
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There's a difference between being lonely and being alone.
Lonliness is the result of having come out of a long-term
exclusive relationship and finding yourself feeling overwhelmed by a sense
of alienation. No longer able to enjoy the friendship, companionship,
and the intimacy of being with someone on a regular basis, you feel like
a mathematical anomoly; divided by two when alone and multiplied by three
when at a social function. Nothing feels right. From the first
waking moment of the day to that moment when sleep takes over, being alone
in a bed is not as comfortable as it would seem to be.
Aloneness is something else. There comes a
time when, having passed through the in-between time of being lonely, you
adjust. Some of the positive factors concerning singlehood have been
realized. Life begins to pick up again. Eventually, you begin
to get out again. As you get to meet other single people, natural
selection begins to exert itself and dating becomes a part of your life
again. As you get to know where other singles your age spend their
time socializing or take advantage of some of the better Internet singles
search sites, you find yourself wondering when you are going to have a
weekend night off just to have some alone time to yourself. No longer
lonely, you have come to terms with being alone.
Of course, the idea here is that the hope of finding
someone special should not be extinguished just because you now enjoy your
newfound freedom and independency. On the contrary, this is a time
to grow and stretch--to rediscover yourself and to perhaps even to reinvent
yourself. For those who are determined to eventually find someone
with whom they can share a deeply fulfilling and loving relationship again
(or maybe for the first time), this in-between time can be the best time
of all. While working on getting rid of your old baggage, you will
now have time to really decide what you want out of life and what you can
offer to another person.
Having journeyed through lonliness, you have found
a comfort level in being alone. You're going to be okay. In
fact, you can even be happy. Perhaps you will find love again.
It might find you. You are not driven to need it as you were when
overwhelmed by lonliness. You're in control of yourself now and,
as a result, are finally ready to truly fall in love again.
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The Pitfalls
of Being Lonely...
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Loving vs.Being In Love: There is definitely an empty place
in the heart when still experiencing the deep sense of lonliness that comes
following the breakup of a previous relationship. Having gotten very
used to having someone to say "I love you" to on a regular basis, the reality
of not having anyone in your life can be extremely disconcerting.
The tendency here is to give in to the seeming "need"
to fill the gap with someone you can love. In fact, lonely people
do love those whom they decide to use to fill this need. Their lonliness
is so deep that they find it impossible to distinguish their self-motivated
desire for personal fulfillment from true love that desires to fill the
needs of the other person.
By contrast, being "in love" with another person
while also loving them describes the approach that those who have worked
through their lonliness are able to experience. Instead of using
someone to fulfill a personal need, the more balanced approach of being
"in love" carries with it the idea of being strong enough again to reciprocate
the needs of the other person.
Distinguishing the difference between these two kinds
of love may very well determine whether or not your next exclusive relationship
succeeds or fails.
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Rebounding vs. Relationship: If lonliness is allowed to go unchecked,
you might very well find yourself dong the "rebound shuffle." It's
an emotional dance that will wear you out and leave some hearts broken
along the way.
Sadly, those who fall into these kinds of situations refer
to them as relationships. Actually, they are far from it. In
effect, they are desparate attempts to apply a bandaide to the wounds of
a badly bleeding heart. In time, the realization that not being "in
love" with the other person becomes understood. Usually, this insight
comes as a result of going from a very hot kind of attraction to something
that has now cooled down in ways you would not have believed at the beginning.
Instead of dealing with certain challenges together because you truly love
each other, those same situations become reasons for breaking up.
Perhaps there is even abuse (verbal or physical) and you eventually get
to the point where one argument follows another.
Rebounding not only delays your dealing with your own
lonliness issues but it can be very desctructive should the other person
be in love with you. |
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Sex vs.Intimacy: Sex is what dogs and cats do--intimacy
is what two people share who are in love with each other.
Those who put off dealing with the lonliness of being
suddenly single again find themselves going from one sex partner to the
next. Somewhere around the third or fourth month of sharing yourself
with a sex partner, the fire starts to go out. Sex becomes a substitute
for genuine love. Those who fall into this trap are convinced that
they are in love. However, when it all goes flat, they end up with
one more wound to deal with along with the others that have not yet been
addressed.
Intimacy is a beautiful thing when shared between
two people who are filled with warm, tender, loving feelings toward each
other. It is the stuff of dreams and produces a kind of fulfillment
that comes no other way.
It just depends on whether or not you want to have
a relationship that goes beyond being a cat or a dog.
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Being a Player vs. Being a Complete Person: Players are basically
sexaholics of both sexes who use other people to satisfy their own uncontrolled
lust. I recently heard a woman admit that she counted 57 lovers between
the time she divorced and finally came to her senses. People who
play others have several "relationships" going on at a time. Their
victims love them so much that they are blind to all of the red flags.
Most people can figure out why thier love interest only pencils them in
on Sunday afternoons between noon and 4 p.m. Players depend upon
the other person being oblvious to thier game. In fact, they thrive
on it while, all the time, their victim is sure that they are going to
be the one whose love is gong to result in major changes that will overcome
all of the problems and perceived psychological damage inflicted on thier
"player" partner. In the meantime, these same victims remain absolutely
clueless that they are both being used and one of several sexual playmates.
Lonliness drives the player and it causes the victim to
be a submissive and willing accomplice.
On the other hand, those who have come to terms with being
alone find it easy to resist the advances of a player. Instead, they
have an inner strength that compels them to wait until true love presents
itself at the right time and from the right person.
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Premature Commitments vs. Mature Relationships:
Friendship and companionship always precede a healthy
and truly committed relationship. It does not start with sex.
If it does, the only chance it has to survive is if both people take a
mature approach to developing their friendship and find times to enjoy
being with each other besides continually looking for something soft to
lay on together.
Too many women assume that when a man goes to bed with
her that he is making a commitment. Actually, ladies, he is simply
having a good time. At least, that's how men view it. That
may not be what men are telling you, but it is what I am telling
you. It also happens to be the truth.
Take time to talk together, converse about life, go shopping
together, spend time with other people, and the many other normal things
that people do from day to day. If, after sharing the mundane as
well as the marvelous with each other you are still good to go, then make
a commitment.
There's something about relating to a lover horizontally,
as well as vertically, that makes a relationship truly mature.
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Settling for Less vs. Having It All:
You will settle for less than what they would otherwise
enjoy if you allow those feelings of lonliness to overwhelm you.
Should you jump into a rebound situation or mistake sex for love, you will
cheat yourself out of coming to the place where you regain control and
come to understand what it is you are really looking for in a good relationship.
The bottom line here is that lonliness has a way of blinding
you to all things good concerning love relationships. It is only
when you come to the place during this in-between time where you are comfortable
with being alone that you will be able to clearly determine what you need
to do before ever finding true love.
Be patient. Give yourself some time to really get
over your previous relationship. Get rid of the old baggage.
Rediscover yourself and your life again. Adjust to being alone.
Then you will be ready to find love and experience it
like never before.
You can have it all if you really want it bad enough. |
© all rights reserved - 10/22/2001--
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The mission of this not-for-profit website is to promote clear insights
and toleration regarding the many variations of primary relationships that
exist in our world. We ask for neither acceptance or approval but
hope that each visitor who reviews the pages of this site will leave them
with a better understanding of the numerous cultural, historical, preferential,
religious, sexual, and sociological approaches to coupling that have always
existed and will continue to exist as long as there are at least two human
beings living on this planet. If the effort put into creating and
maintaining this site results in others coming to the realization that
the basic human need to love and be loved takes on many forms which are
accepted by those who practice them, whether right or wrong as determined
by the personal belief system of others, then it will have served it's
purpose well. |
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