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Paradise
Regained
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Divorce left
me alone
and broke but
a scene
from the window
of an
airplane helped
me to
make my way back.
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As our plane slowly began its descent over Columbus, Ohio,
I was enjoying the nighttime view of the lighted city streets below.
Window seats have always been my preference when taking yet another crowded
flight to some important place.
Tiny rows of automobile headlights made their way along
the freeways as we flew over rows and rows of rooftops. They seemed
to be getting closer and closer as the plane lowered its altitude in anticipation
of landing soon.
Even though we were still high enough to not be noticed
by the moving traffic below, I happened to notice the headlights of a car
that was stopped at an intersection. I could clearly see that it was waiting
to turn out of what looked like a fairly new housing community. Even
from my birdseye view, the homes looked to be very spacious, warm and cozy
on this spring time late evening. The lights of the car slowly bent
around the corner as I caught one last glance of the lighted streets and
the various shaped rooftops.
The reason that short experience burned itself into my
mind is because I found myself feeling a deep sense of loss at that moment.
The person in that car should have been me. It should have been me
who had just left his beautiful home to run down to the grocery store to
pick up a few items or perhaps be on my way to meet with some friends.
However, the reality of my life was that, upon arriving at my final destination,
I would make my way back to my single bedroom apartment where a little
cat named Cindy would be waiting for me.
You see, the divorce had just been finalized and I had
lost everything.
No longer able to view the same neighborhood of homes
due to the speed of the plane, I looked around the passenger compartment
at those who were seated around me. Most of them would be going home
to a house just like the ones I sighted moments ago. Most of them
had husbands and wives waiting for them. Most of them had nice cars,
nice furnishings in their homes, lots of belongings, and even a 401K retirement
program.
I had nothing.
Worse yet, I was alone. |
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I felt sorry for myself. Water welled up in my eyes
and I choked hard to hold back tears, hoping that none of the other passengers
would notice.
Not that long ago, I had it all.
In fact, there was a time when I was absolutely convinced
that my wife and I would spend the rest of our lives together. We
had been married the day after I turned twenty years of age. Any
thought of our not being together had more to do with the possibility of
dying than it did the death of our relationship.
We had just built a new house the year before. We
designed it together. I got some help from some friends after purchasing
a wooded lot just outside town and we cleared it with chain saws and a
lot of hard work. The house was located in the middle of 1.5 acres
with a drive that curved like an "S." Rows of trees shaded the driveway
on either side.
Looking back, I now realize that I was so blind to what
was happening to us.
I didn't even recognize that she had little interest in
what had been a dream for both of us? Once she had picked out everything
she wanted to be included in the kitchen along with the various carpet
styles and colors, etc., it seemed that she simply faded out of the project.
I honestly didn't think about it until just before we moved in to the finished
house. While spending an evening washing our new windows, it dawned
on me that she would have been there if she felt any joy or excitement
about moving into our new home in the next few days.
I was washing the windows alone.
A few days later, we moved in. The first thing she
said as we stood in the center of a our new living room with its cathedral
ceilings was, "We won't be here for
long."
I was devistated. I didn't see it coming.
Clueless, I sat down on the newly carpeted floor and shook my head in unbelief.
I was expecting something more like, "Thank you, honey,
for all of your hard work to make our dream come true."
Even a "I can't wait to move into our new home!" would
have been sufficient.
My heart fell into my stomach as our friends drove up
in the trucks filled with our furniture and belongings. As we unloaded
everything into the house, my confusion at her sullen and out-of-the-blue
comment turned into a sense of total dismay.
Somehow, I shook it off and tried to forget the episode.
Shifting my emphasis to things like adding on a deck,
starting a new lawn, and putting the final touched on the interior, I went
on with our lives as if everything was normal. It wasn't. The
realization that she had checked out of the relationship finally hit me.
Instead of facing the issues, I reacted by checking out myself.
We were both wrong. Three counselors later, we realized
that our marriage was on the rocks.
After thirty-plus years, our relationship suffered a major
heart attack and
then died.
It took two years for us to realize that the separation
was permanant. We had already sold the house and split up our belongings.
What I got easily fit into a rented van. What she took barely fit
into the largest rental truck we could find. She sued for divorce
and I ended up living in a one bedroom apartment with a cat named Cindy.
Paradise lost. |
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My financial situation was bad.
I ended up having to take a job where I had to take a
40% cut in pay, Going without meals and learning how to coast my
car down exit ramps to save gas became commonplace. If not for the
free bagels and fruit provided by the company each day, I would have had
nothing to eat for breakfast. I learned how to shop at the Dollar
General Store and got along with just one pair of shoes. Unable to
afford cable television, I would walk the two blocks each weekend to the
public library to load up a few bags with videos to watch throughout the
coming week. In truth, I was broke.
It took a full year to finally get a decent promotion.
I worked hard for it.
Still, I had accumulated some credit card debt to keep
my head above water. Therefore, the increase in pay only made it
possible to start paying down my debts while providing me with just enough
spending money to go out on a date once in awhile.
Almost two years after that, the company offered me a
terrific relocation package.
They put me on a plane to Columbus. In fact, I commuted to Columbus
several times at the company's expense as part of the relocation plan.
It was during the last flight that the scene of the lone
lighted automobile pulling out of the new neighborhood resulted in my rediscovering
the motivation that was needed to rebuild my life.
Working hard at the office to earn some raises and get
in better control of my finances, my money situation started to straighten
out. Also, this web site began to provide me with some additonal
income. I was finally starting to get back on my financial feet again.
Whatever extra money I could squeeze out after paying
my monthly bills was designated as date night money. There were times
when I wasn't sure if I was alone or if I was really suffering from lonliness.
At any rate, between getting involved in a handful of singles groups and
joining Match.com, I was able to look forward to a date on most weekends.
I was "resingled" for 5.5 years.
Then she appeared.
Two years had passed since experiencing those few short
moments of looking down at that lighted neighborhood while flying to Columbus.
The sadness I felt that night was so etched in my mind that it had become
my motivation to succeed once again. Finding new love was a real
part of the determination I had to get my life back again. I was just as
determined that someday it would indeed be me who lived in that nice neighborhood
with someone I loved; someone who would love me, too.
We met through Match.com.
We dated, fell in love, were engaged, got married,
and have since celebrated our third wedding anniversary.
Would you believe me if I were to tell you that
I now live in a new housing development outside of Columbus that is very
near the one that I had focused on that night in the plane?
Would you believe me if I were to tell you that
I now live in a beautiful home with cathedral ceilings and a huge deck
in the back that looks out over a stream running through the middle of
our yard?
Would you believe me if I were to tell you that
every time I get in my car and pull out of our neighborhood at night, I
look up at the stars and, should I see a plane flying through the night
sky, I say a prayer? You see, in those moments, I visualize a middleaged
guy is up there looking down at me and feeling very low becuase he has
just been divorced and has lost everything. He is watching me pull
out of this nice neighborhood that looks to him like rows and rows of rooftops
and he is wondering, "Why isn't that me down there? How can I ever
get my life back again?"
In that moment I look up and whisper, "Hang in there,
my friend. You'll make it back if you just keep working at it. I
did and you will, too."
Paradise regained. |
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© all rights reserved - 12/14/2007
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The mission of this not-for-profit website is to promote clear insights
and toleration regarding the many variations of primary relationships that
exist in our world. We ask for neither acceptance or approval but
hope that each visitor who reviews the pages of this site will leave them
with a better understanding of the numerous cultural, historical, preferential,
religious, sexual, and sociological approaches to coupling that have always
existed and will continue to exist as long as there are at least two human
beings living on this planet. If the effort put into creating and
maintaining this site results in others coming to the realization that
the basic human need to love and be loved takes on many forms which are
accepted by those who practice them, whether right or wrong as determined
by the personal belief system of others, then it will have served it's
purpose well. |
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