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What's a Resingled
Person to Do?
Your're single again. In fact, you are discovering
that it isn't so bad after all. You are doing well. Life is
humming along. The last thing that you want is to find yourself in
is another dead-end relationship. You look around and realize how
difficult it is to find someone your age (or even near it) who is both
nice and compatible. Those who fit the bill are still married.
However, being human, you yearn for love,
romance,
companionship,
and intimacy. Being alone is
okay but, hopefully, it is only a temporary condition.
What's a person to do?
Why is it that some people seem to find happiness again
and others do not? Did they just get lucky or do they know something
that you don't know?
First of all, let's take a look at the danger signs regarding
the possibility of your getting into another bad relationship. Then,
I'll provide you with some helpful hints on how to approach your desire
to find someone else with which to share the rest of your life. |
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Danger Signs...
When it comes to primary relationships, years of human
experience have taught us that there are certain things that we need to
look out for if we are to avoid getting into a bad relationship.....
The Whirlwind Beginning: The relationship
starts out with tremendous intensity. It is filled with affection,
attention, time spent together, passion, and intimacy.
It seems like it is too good to be true. You have sex
together, perhaps even move in together, and spend every moment of the
day together. It's all so wonderful in the beginning but, after awhile,
you begin to feel pressured, closed in, limited, and even resentful.
If you value the relationship, it is time to sit down, talk together, and
let him/her know that you need some space. Things are not working
out too well and you both need to slow down. On the other hand, if
you are not able to reason with the other person, perhaps this is the time
to realize that this relationship is not right for you. After all,
isn't true love the kind of thing that puts the object of our love first
in all things? If that is so, you should be able to see some willingness
to understand and work with you on this if he/she really loves you.
If not, you might be heading for another big breakup.
Can you handle it?
Possessiveness: At first, it feels wonderful!
You belong to someone again and he/she belongs to you. Now you have
to make an honest determination. Perhaps the other person is more
than ready to make the commitment to
compromise their independency for the sake of the relationship. After
all, that's what good relationships are all about--the willingness to give
of oneself to benefit the life and happiness of another. If you are
not ready for this, you really need to be honest with yourself and your
love.
Perhaps he/she is a controller. In that case, you need to realize
this and address it. Yet, if you are beginning to resent the feeling
of belonging to someone else, the problem may be that you are simply not
ready for a permanant relationship.
If that is the case, perhaps your love will wait for you. If not,
then that should tell you something. If so, then be patient with
him/her and with yourself.
The Switch: Until now, he/she has been wonderful
with you. Then, for no apparent reason, the dynamics of your relationship
change. Arguing is commonplace. Conversely, perhaps the other
person goes silent for long periods of time. Or is this simply the
calm before the storm? All of a sudden, you begin to realize that
the dream is over. He/she seems to be continuously annoyed
or upset with you--or visa-versa. It's time to draw the line.
Either they recognize you as a person or be told that their behaviour is
absolutely unacceptable. What do you have to do? Suggestion:
turn off the switch.
The Blame Game: Your lover has a problem
taking responsibility for anything done wrong. Now, ladies, you do
realize that you have a tendency to delight in men who know how to say
"It's my fault" with ease. We are not talking about this. We
are, in fact, referring to genuine incidents where a wrong has been committed.
At any rate, he/she will not admit that they are at fault. The reason
they wre passed up for a promotion is because the boss has it in for them.
Their checking account is short because the bank is always at fault.
The car is always broken down because the mechanics keep screwing up.
They don't feel like being nice to you because they tell you that you're
always in a bad mood. It's "always" someone else's fault and never
their own. No matter what you say or do, it just doesn't add up.
You start to feel like you're walking on eggshells. It is time to
reconsider if you really want to be in this relationship. If you
can't get them to genuinely take responsibility for their own errors, what
chance do you think the relaitonship really has in the future?
When you see these warning signs, be smart enough to deal
with them head-on or walk away. Don't allow yourself to remain in an abusive
relationship. It could easily lead to misery, dissatisfaction, and
perhaps even violence. You do not
have to put up with the any of this.
If these issues cannot be resolved, then it's time to
throw in the towel and look elsewhere.
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Helpful Tips While
Searching for Your Soulmate...
- The Change
Issue: Don't fall in love with someone's potential.
Too many men and women choose a mate or stay in relationships with the
hope that the other person will change. Be honest and with yourself
and ask: "Can I love this person exactly the way they are now without the
expectation of change?"
The Love/Lust Issue: Don't confuse lust with
love. In a rush to feel close, people have sex prematurely, creating a
false intimacy, which can lead to disappointment. Take the time to
create a genuine emotional connection
and allow a passionate sexual relationship to grow.
The Desparation Issue: Don't overlook the
red flags out of desperation to have a relationship. For example, if he/she
makes a statement like "I don't do commitment well," believe him/her!
Ask yourself, "Is this person really available emotionally and situationally?"
Some people tend to spend more time researching an electronic gadget purchase
than they do a potential mate.
The Sex Issue: Don't assume your mate knows what
you want sexually or need. Take responsibility for expressing your
feelings and needs with one another. This will pre-empt conflict and deepen
the emotional connection between you.
The Assumption Issue: Don't take your partner
for granted. When couples get past the honeymoon
stage they can become complacent with each other. Continue romancing
one another throughout the relationship, not just in the beginning stages.
For example, institute a standing "date night" once a
week.
The Empathy Issue: Be empathetic to your
partner. Be willing to put aside your need to be right and learn how to
walk in your partner's shoes so as to understand their point of view. Being
understanding and validating your partner's feelings does not mean you
have to agree with them, nor does it mean that you have to give up on getting
your own needs met. Often feeling understood will mean more to your
partner than being right or winning a battle.
The Staying Positive Issue: Focus on what
you would like from your partner and what they have done right--instead
of what they have done wrong. Be specific. Say things like, "I felt
cared for when you cleaned the kitchen and watched the kids so I could
take a bath and relax last night."
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A healthy relationship increases your self-esteem. To be in
successful relationship, couples need to expose their authentic self.
This involves being vulnerable and showing some emotional courage.
People are often afraid of revealing who they really are for fear that
they will not be accepted. A healthy relationship occurs when two
people feel safe in revealing their true selves to one another.
Even though you are single again, you don't have to stay
that way. If you yearn for a wonderful relationship with the right
person, don't quit hoping and looking.
It really can be better the second time around.
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-© all
rights reserved - 10/22/2001
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The mission of this not-for-profit website is to promote clear insights
and toleration regarding the many variations of primary relationships that
exist in our world. We ask for neither acceptance or approval but
hope that each visitor who reviews the pages of this site will leave them
with a better understanding of the numerous cultural, historical, preferential,
religious, sexual, and sociological approaches to coupling that have always
existed and will continue to exist as long as there are at least two human
beings living on this planet. If the effort put into creating and
maintaining this site results in others coming to the realization that
the basic human need to love and be loved takes on many forms which are
accepted by those who practice them, whether right or wrong as determined
by the personal belief system of others, then it will have served it's
purpose well. |
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