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Everytime I log out of the Internet (or get booted), my
service provider lets me know by echoing those four words once again using
a female voice.
"You are now disconnected."
For a long time after signing up for this particular service,
there was something about this message that bothered me. However,
each time I signed off, there was always some piece of business to move
on to so I never stopped to consider why it always left me feeling a little
unsettled. It took me awhile to figure it out but it finally dawned
on me. After hearing the same now-familiar four words again, I focused
in on the little window with the word "disconnected" clearly showing in
the message window.
There it was.
She is describing me.
In fact, she is describing my whole life at this time.
I'm disconnected.
It's been over three years since my now-ex-wife and I
first separated. Since then, the divorce
has been finalized and I am indeed single
again. That is, single and disconnected.
I suppose that it would not seem so but for the fact that
those I loved most in life chose to make my disconnection all the more
pronounced by separating themselves from me as well.
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The "Friendship
Disconnection"
First, it was our friends.
One tends to assume that these are the people who will
stay by your side when facing the challenges of life. Lifelong
friendships must count for something. However, it became obvious
rather quickly that even they choose sides. In my case, those I considered
my best friends had wives who were as close to my ex-wife as they were
to me. If I never understood how well connected women are in their
natural tendency to network with each other, I do now. On the other
hand, we men keep such things to ourselves. The result was that I
heard from all of the women and only one of the men. The women were
very clear in their condemnation of me. In fact, one of them composed
a poem that likened me unto some kind of Satanic figure. It was badly
written but did manage to very effectively convey her contempt for me.
By contrast, the one male friend rather skirted around the situation without
really addressing any concerns that he might have had. What further
complicated my disappointment in that those whose friendships I had valued
for so long were those whom I had met many years ago while attending church
as a teenager. Much of those relationships were based on our mutual
commitment to our shared spiritual faith. My main takeaway from their
inability to be more objective concerning our marital breakup is that Christians
are very good about explaining the doctrine of forgiveness but very bad
when it comes to any practical application of it.
For several months following our separation, I received
numerous postal letters and e-mails. All of them followed the same
foremat. The first paragraph would express their love and concern
for me. The second paragraph was filled with condemnation and a Biblical
verse or two declaring God's agreement with their assesement thrown in
for good measure. The last paragraph would reaffirm their love for
me and how that they are praying for me to change my mind and go back to
my wife. Each one felt like a quick kiss, followed by several punches
to the face, followed by another quick kiss. None of them gave me
even the slightest sense of genuine caringness nor any kind of willingness
to understand all that had happened between my ex-wife and myself.
They simply made up their minds and decided that I was a horrible backslider
who deserves God's wrath. Having made that determination, they quickly
volunteered to be God's voice. He seems to have a lot of voices.
However, as much as their judgemental attitudes
left me feeling totally alienated, it was my ex-wife's agreement with their
actions and words that really broke my heart. To her credit, in the
case of her lady friend's bad attempt at poetry, she thought it to be a
bit much and did address that to some degree. On the other hand,
she was in full agreement with all that the others had done to persuade
me of my wrong doing. By contrast, had the situation been reversed,
I would easily have contacted anyone who would have written to her in the
same manner and made it very clear that our personal business was none
of their's and that they would do well to stay out of it. Her lack
of responsiveness in this way made it obvious to me that she not only did
not love me any more (despite her protestations to the contrary) but also
took some satisfaction from her friends having tormented me. Of course,
all of this was consistently framed within the context of godliness, righteousness,
and my supposedly being out of God's will--thus, justifying their disapproval
of me.
Stone throwing is something that self-righteous religious
people do very well. When it comes from those I once considered as
my dearest of friends, each hit hurt a hundred-fold more. |
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The "Family Disconnection"
My
brother cut himself off from me some ten years ago. Both my ex-wife
and I were broken hearted over his inability to work with us regarding
the revelation of one of his children's indiscretions that negatively impacted
my family. We were more than willing to resolve the situation but
he chose to disregard our attempts and decided to shift the blame back
on to us. Interestingly enough, his wife contacted my ex-wife after
our separation and expressed her (and his) support for her and went on
to state that all was forgiven as far as they were concerned. After
hearing of this, I was all the more convinced that some relationships are
not worth pursuing or trying to resolve. Relatives are people and
people change. The older brother whom I had once loved, respected,
and even admired is now a man whose heart has hardened over the years.
He is exhausted due to having to go through one terrible situation after
another with his several children. The last incident was just one
more in a long line of offences that has alienated him from the rest of
us. Of course, upon finding out about my marital separation, he chose
to take sides with my ex-wife as a way of repudiating me and did so by
having his wife contact her.
One has to keep in mind that a relative is someone to whom we relate.
Shared genes and family history are not enough to maintain a good relationship.
Rather, right behaviour, a willingness to work out mutual problems, and
genuine forgiveness are the "stuff" of a truly good relationship.
It is my mother who has made all the difference in the world to me at this
low time in my life. She was not surprised to hear of the breakup
even though I have never mentioned any problems to her. Mothers have
a sixth sense about such things. Her response to the news of our
separation was one of understanding and sympathy. She has remained
supportive and has since expressed her happiness for me in my new-found
freedom and rediscovery of so many things in life that I would have missed
otherwise. Her love has never failed me. I thank God for that.
Finally, and perhaps most importantly, the response (or reaction) of one's
children
must be considered.
Unfortunately, sons and daughters can choose sides, too.
In my case, I have four children: two sons and two daughters. In
all four cases, the response to their parent's divorce has been mixed.
All of them love both of their parents and that has never been doubted
by either their mother or me for even a moment. However, despite
their outward show in regard to trying to understand what has happened
to us, they struggle inwardly with the whole thing. Who can fault
them for that? Since their mother lives much closer to them, contact
with me is limited. Two of them stay in touch with me via e-mail,
one by phone, and the other has chosen to keep some distance from both
of us.
Still, I count myself as being blessed when it comes to my children.
Time does heal all wounds and I am optimistic that all of them will eventually
be okay. Conversely, many parents are rejected by their children
when a marital breakup takes place. Fathers, especially, take the
brunt in such situations. I have seen circumstances where the mother
was caught cheating on her husband and,
yet, all of the children stood by her just because she is "Mom."
On the other hand, I have seen men who erred, made ammends, took responsibility,
and tried to make things right only to be rejected completely by all of
their children without any hope of reconciliation. Not all families
are created equal.
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The "Feelings of
Disconnection"
In
the spring of 1999, it became obvious to me that I was completely alone.
Having separated from my wife of thirty years, my friends chose to condemn
me, my brother used it as an opportunity to vindicate himself, my mother
reaffirmed her love and support, and my children are slowly coming to grips
with the reality of their parent's divorce. I had to move to a new
city and begin a new career. Facing the fact that I was fresh out
of relationships was amazingly difficult for a man who was once surrounded
by more than he could ever hope to maintain.
Since then, I have made new friends, become involved in a few singles
groups, expanded my social life, enjoyed dating a number of ladies,
and am slowly seeing the children come around.
Slowly but surely, I am developing new relationships. However, this time,
I am doing so with people who truly know what a real friendship is all
about.
Oh, one more thing.....
I just logged on to the Internet and a female voice just made this announcement:
"You are now connected."
© all rights reserved - 5/5/2002
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The mission of this not-for-profit website is to promote clear insights
and toleration regarding the many variations of primary relationships that
exist in our world. We ask for neither acceptance or approval but
hope that each visitor who reviews the pages of this site will leave them
with a better understanding of the numerous cultural, historical, preferential,
religious, sexual, and sociological approaches to coupling that have always
existed and will continue to exist as long as there are at least two human
beings living on this planet. If the effort put into creating and
maintaining this site results in others coming to the realization that
the basic human need to love and be loved takes on many forms which are
accepted by those who practice them, whether right or wrong as determined
by the personal belief system of others, then it will have served it's
purpose well. |
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