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Ending It...
It's been three-and-a-half years since we seperated.
Although, the divorce did not formally
begin until two years in to the separation, it only took a year to finalize.
That was seven months ago. I have been legally single
since then and it's time to sit down and put into words what my heart have
known for so long now.
The ending of a long-term
relationship is gut-wrenching. No matter who is more at
fault, both cannot escape the horror of realizing that what was once
a deep love for another person has been replaced with the need to bring
the relationship to an end. It is nothing less than experiencing
a death in the family.
We died on December 26th, 1998.
I was resurrected again on February 7, 2002.
Somewhere in between, I was but a soul in hybernation,
awaiting the time when the lid on my lonely casket would be opened by the
simple passing of time and the healing that comes to those who rest in
the confidence that it will eventually happen.
It did.
As I reflect back on the years in
between, it is amazing to me that I thought myself to be living somewhat
normally in spite of my circumstances. Although, I realized that
there were so many things that were different as contrasted to my previous
situation as a married man, I now look
back with twenty-twenty hindsight and shake my head. What I thought
was a time of growth and change was also filled with pain, sadness, lonliness,
and driven by the need to survive. Furthermore, I was financially
strapped and filled with fear regarding the future.
What is it about the human condition that we still somehow
manage to convince ourselves that better things will come in the future
as long as we keep believing and do what is right from day to day, despite
our miserable circumstances? Whatever it is, it's true. One
day followed the other and I simply made the best of it.
I will never forget those times when I coasted off of
the freeway while making my way home from work to save every drop of gas
possible because the guage was showing on empty and I didn't have any money.
There were even a few times when I handed the convenience store attendant
several rolls of pennies to buy gas. How did I make it? I will
never forget those lean times. In fact, I saved a pair of shoes that
I wore out but had to keep wearing as there was no way for me to replace
them. I would take them off at work and let them (and my socks) dry
underneath my workstation desk becuase the winter snow and rain had found
the many cracks in the soles, leaving my feet soaked and wet. They
now sit in a shoe box on a shelf in my closet. Old friends should
not be discarded too easily.
I worked hard, made every dime count, sacrificed to make
sure that my bills were paid on time, and spent countless nights alone
in a small rented room--always hoping; always dreaming of a better day
to come. |
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Getting Through
It...
It arrived just recently.
I knew it would. I just didn't know when.
When the divorce was finalized, I was still working hard
to make ends meet. However, despite my financial struggles, I had
somehow managed to keep my head above water. My credit is still good
and, despite having to learn how to do my own grocery shopping, laundry,
and household chores, the fact of my surviving successfully provides me
with the confidence I need to be optimistic about the future.
That was not the case at all during the previous
year.
While jumping over the many hurdles in the divorce
process, the realization that, should my soon-to-be ex-wife be successful
in her bid for that part of my income she desired, I would be forced to
store what belongings I retained and move in to a YMCA to keep a roof over
my head. However, when all was said and done, the settlement was
both reasonable and fair. We both signed on the dotted line and it
was over.
Then, there was the emotional damage that is involved
in the breakup of any long-term relationship. Every situation is
different but, in my case, the journey from the ending of what was once-upon-a-time
to who I am today has been a needful experience, albeit an extremely difficult
one. With the help of a good counsellor,
reading numerous books on the subject, and a lot of major soul-searching,
I've emerged as a new-and-improved version of my former self. Now
that most of the old baggage has been discarded, being able to move on
with a sense of freedom, emotional stability, and renewed energy are all
very liberating things. Being free of the marriage is one thing.
Being finally free of myself is quite another.
There are numerous other changes, too...
I've lost a lot of weight. Tossing out all of those
extra-large shirts with those size 46 pants was no sacrifice at all.
Now, I go shopping for medium sized shirts and 36 inch pants. Damn,
I look good! I feel good, too.
I get out more. Dancing
has become a passion and, gosh, I seem to be really good at it. The
ladies love a strong lead and I am rarely refused when asking a lady for
a dance. The only reason I sit one out is because I have to rest
for a minute and grab something to drink so that I don't dehydrate.
As a result, my social life has become quite active and rarely a weekend
goes by but what I have plenty of places
where I can go, friends who will be there to welcome me, and the assurance
that my ongoing dating experiences will eventually lead me to the lady
who will be the next (and, hopefully, final) great love of my life.
My new insights have made me a better person.
Since consciously deciding to take responsibility for my part in the failure
of the marriage instead of dwelling on where I perceive she failed, I've
worked through my own foibles and immaturities. I'm much better off
for it and so will be the woman who will eventually become my special someone.
She is getting a much better man than did the woman who is now my "ex." |
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Getting Past
It...
I've perservered. Being forced by circumstances
to rent a room from another recently divorced man was humiliating.
The last house she and I lived in was one that I designed and had custom
built on two wooded acres. With most of my "stuff" in storage for
2.5 years, I had to be satisfied with a small bedroom with just a mattress
and frame, a television, my computer, and enough clothes in the closet
to get by. If not for the fact that Adam was a nice guy and we managed
to stay out of each other's way, it would have been intolerable.
Still, I swollowed hard, accepted my situation, and determined to get through
the whole mess--come hell or high water.
I did.
The company I worked for recently relocated me and, in
so doing, provided me with the means to be able to pay off some old bills,
get into a nice apartment, pick up a few new furnishings, and finally start
breathing again. I'm working toward the next promotion when I will
be able to finally get back so much of what I lost. Not only did
I change my marital status but careers as well. So far, so good.
I've rediscovered some old interests and developed
a few new ones. I'm back to playing, singing, and entertaining others
with my guitar. A few of my hobbies that were long discarded have
been revived. This web site has continued to be a chronicle of my
experiences and has given me a way to reach out to help others. I
have always loved the arts but now I am passionate about them. Whether
it's a rock concert or an art show--I love all of it. No amount of
career responsibility can keep me away from the things I really enjoy.
I have been rescued from my former workaholism and love my new life.
Finally, I am healing. Each new day is a little
more normal than the previous one. The breakup
of my marriage only stings a little where once there was an open wound.
My children have struggled with getting
used to the new version of their once chubby, serious, conservative father
who is now a lean, fun-loving moderate whose every other facial expression
is either a smile or a moment of laughter. Being able to date
interesting and accomplished women has given me new insights and confidence
that the person I have become is appreciated by others.
There is so much more that I could share--most of
it good.
Suffice it to say that, after the aftermath, there
is life again.
I'm back in the game, better off for it, happier
than ever, and on my way to a future that holds the promise of better things
to come and someone with whom to share it.
However, you must excuse me.
A very pretty lady is on her way over
to my place where I am preparing a nice dinner for the both of us.
I am stir frying and serving it on some oriental place settings that I
recently purchased for a song. The bottle of plum wine is a nice
touch, too.
I am alive. |
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© all rights reserved - 10/22/2001---
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