or concluding a primary relationship; also know as dumping or getting
|Breaking Up Is
Hard To Do...
There are few things more difficult than concluding a relationship.
What began with mutual attraction, followed by excitement and joy, became
uncomfortable somewhere along the way for at least one of you. Whatever
the reason(s), it was enough for either one or both of you to come to the
conclusion that breaking up was the only thing left to do. In a word, it
Here are some tips, as well as a few thoughts from the
heart, for those of you to whom fell the primary responsibility to take
the lead in a break up. Perhaps, something said here will help you
deal with the emotional hurt you might still be experiencing.
The Guilt: If you are the one who is initiating
the breakup, you will experience some guilt; perhaps even a lot of guilt.
To be the one whose decision it is to conclude a relationship is a very
difficult position to be in. In fact, you are actually rejecting
the other person. That being the case, be sure that you handle the
break up appropriately. If he/she is a jerk, then deal with it straightforwardly.
However, if the other person is simply someone who doesn't match what you
are looking for but has done their best to be good to you (perhaps even
loves you), you will need to tread softly and be as gentle as possible.
In order to exercise these feelings of guilt during your
breakup, take time to remind yourself that it was much better to break
off the relationship now than for it to get any more serious. After
singles break up, it is called being alone; after married couples break
up, it is called a divorce.
The Confrontation: There is only one way
to break up with someone. Tell it to him/her in person. Some books and
web sites encourage the use of devices such as electronic greeting cards
or or various indirect methods to break the news of your breakup.
It takes courage to confront someone face-to-face. Using an electronic
medium is not only insensitive; it is heartless. You are merely postponing
the inevitable as well as losing whatever shred of respect the other person
had for you.
The Ending: If there areextenuating circumstances
where you have had to deal with some real problems that are behavioural
or extremely upsetting, then there will be no nice way to say goodbye.
You simply have to do it and get it over with. However, if this is
simply the ending of a mismatch or the winding down of a once loving
relationship, then you will need to honor what you two have shared together
by ending well.
Perhaps you could arrange to meet at the same place you
first met or had a date together. The symbolic
significance of your relationship having come full circle will not be lost
on both of you during your breakup.
It will demand of you a solemn but caring demeanor as
you begin to break the news. You might start out by recounting some
of your history together. Don't limit this to the difficult or bad
moments that might have contributed to your decision but share the good
times as well.
Women take such news with extreme emotion; almost a kind
of shock followed by tears.
Men are stunned and will usually begin asking you for
some logical reason why you have decided to do this.
There is a time delay of about five seconds before the
brain registers the grim realization that whatever you once had, the moments
you enjoyed together, the wonderful experiences you shared with each other,
the times when you would whisper sweet nothings into each other's ear,
are gone forever.
So this is how it ends, not with a bang, but with a whimper.
|Got Those Breakup
The Realization: They
say that all good things come to an end. Perhaps your relationship
was a good one for a long time and then just wound down to this point.
Maybe it was a hot, torrid, quick love that exploded with every raw emotion
there is. At any rate, the other person is about to realize that
it is indeed over. At this point most people go into denial.
Now comes the nine words you really
don't want to hear, "You can't leave me!" "I can't live without
Then the begging. "I'm sure we can work things out!" "Give
me a second chance!".
The Stand: This is the moment when you will either stand your
ground and go through with it, or give in and probably have to face all
of this again in the near future. Keep
your cool, don't allow yourself to fall apart, keep that serious expression,
and continue to reassure him/her that it is over. If she wants to
sob for awhile, let her. If he wants to be frustrated or confused
for a few moments, let him. However, when enough moments have passed,
you will have to take the initiative again to end the conversation and
say your final goodbyes as a couple.
The Goodbye: In the case of an unpleasant or harsh reaction,
you might simply have to leave or ask the other person to leave (if that
is appropriate). On the other hand, if your relaitonship was basically
a good one and you know he/she loved you (and perhaps still does), a kiss
or a hug would be okay--as long as it stops there.
Life is filled with many different types of goodbyes. This is one
of the most difficult ones.
Remember, too, that (should you be the "dumper"), you have had time to
deal somewhat with your own emotions in preparation for the confrontation.
The other person just got it full blast. Be patient if they do not
respond well and be considerate of their feelings. Being the "dumpee"
is a horrible experience, but one that all human beings experience in their
Now, simply say, "Goodbye."
The Mourning: Life is like a bed of roses--full
of thorns. Directly after the breakup, it's okay to feel sad or even
to cry. Guys, go ahead. It's alright. Get it out of your system
and let the tears flow. At this point of time, life looks bleak indeed.
Give yourself a mourning period of about two to three
months. Some people take over a year to get over the best of lost loves.
Mope around for awhile if it helps, but after the a few months go by, get
on with your life.
Someone out there is getting on with their life, too,
and is about to meet the love of their life--you!
Break Up To Make
Getting the other person back after the breakup is going
to cost you time and money. Before you decide to go any further, take some
time to give this some serious thought. Use this time to give yourself
an emotional break. Perhaps, after the dust has settled, you will
be thinking more clearly and recognize the futulity of starting over again.
However, if after thinking it over carefully and considering all that is
involved in your particular situation, you still might want to get back
The choice is yours as will be the consequences of your decision.
Breakups are so difficult because you invested an enormous
amount of time, caring, sharing, and love into the relationship.
It's time to move on.
"What do you get when you fall in love,
Nothing but lots of pain and sorrow;
So, for at least until tomorrow,
I'll never fall in love again."
we go again.....
© all rights reserved - 10/22/2001
The mission of this not-for-profit website is to promote clear insights
and toleration regarding the many variations of primary relationships that
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hope that each visitor who reviews the pages of this site will leave them
with a better understanding of the numerous cultural, historical, preferential,
religious, sexual, and sociological approaches to coupling that have always
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the basic human need to love and be loved takes on many forms which are
accepted by those who practice them, whether right or wrong as determined
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