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Being objective in the midst of the heart-wrenching
experience of watching one's marriage being disolved in divorce
is difficult, if not impossible.
It's amazing how two people who once loved each other
so deeply can |
come to the place where they are pitted against each other in a court of
law with no other consideration than how much money
one can get out of the other. A couple who had once worked so hard
together to make ends meet, raise a family,
and grab their piece of the American dream are now locked in a marital
death grip. Strangers (judges and attornies) are making decisions
that will impact them for the rest of their lives. It's a lose/lose
proposition all the way around in so many ways.
How is it that two lovers manage to become serious adversaries?
There are a thousand reasons why people divorce.
Some are very weak, whereas, others are much more than justifiable.
From incompatibility to major issues such as adultery,
drug abuse, alcoholism, etc., breakups now occur in over 50% of our nation's
marriages. Any young person who decides to go into family law will
be entering a wide open market that promises to be both lucrative and secure.
Sad to say, it's the truth. The only financial winners in a divorce
proceeding are the lawyers.
Yet, when one really analyzes the whole experience, there
are indeed some positive things to consider.
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A New Beginning...
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First of all, those who refuse to allow the breakup of
their marriage to destroy them will find that this ending is also a new
beginning. It may take time to get back up again after being knocked
down so hard but it can be done. The emotional, familial, and financial
challenges may seem to be overwhelming at first but time has a way of working
things out for those who refuse to give up. There is indeed life
after divorce. |
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A Time to Stretch
& Grow...
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Secondly, it can be a time of growing, stretching, and
gaining needed insights. Instead of allowing anger and bitterness
to be the end result, the better road to take would be a new determination
to never allow oneself to make the same mistakes again. However,
this is not to say that any consideration of another long-term or permanant
relationship should be considered as one of those mistakes. The
better conscious choice would be to realize that there could very well
be someone out there with whom you could enjoy a happy and fulfilling relationship
for the rest of your life. Still, it will take time to heal before
you are ready to find that next special someone. At any rate, don't
let the demise of your marriage defeat you as a person. Those who
learn from their divorces are more likely to succeed in finding love again.
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Healing by Taking
Responsibility...
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Thirdly, try to be as objective as possible. No
one is completely blame free when
a marriage breaks up. One of the red flags
that divorced people take note of is the person who blames their ex for
everything and takes no responsibility at all for their part in the failure
of a marriage. Even if your errors only amounted to 5% of why the
relationship ended, take responsibility for it. If you don't, you'll
carry the same misconceptions and "old baggage" into the next relationship.
They will become the seeds that eventually destroy it as well unless you
decide now to get a handle on them. Someone one said that "It takes
two to do the Tango." Instead of spending the rest of your life blaming
the other person for all of your sorrows and woes, go to work on correcting
your own issues and then get on with life again. Taking responsibility
for your own failures will make all the difference if you truly want to
be happy again.
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Forgiving For Your
Own Sake...
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Finally, forgive your ex. This might be harder to
do than even going through the divorce. You see, if you don't forgive
him/her, you will harbor bitterness in your heart. That bitterness
will effect you emotionally, mentally, and even physically if you don't
get it cleansed out of your system. As a result, instead of it hurting
the one it is aimed at, it will end up damaging you instead. Not only that,
but no one wants to hear a divorcee go on an on about thier ex who is such
an a__hole. That kind of ongoing conversation comes from a heart
that is bitter and cannot begin to heal due to an unwillingness to truly
forgive. The best thing you can do for yourself is to truly forgive
and then go on with your life.
A divorce is akin to death in every
sense of the word.
Something that was once alive and
vibrant is now cold and clammy to the touch. Hearts that once beat
quickly when united together beat no longer for each other. The overwhelming
need to be together has been replaced with the need to be as far apart
as possible. The divorce proceeding is the funeral and the aftermath
forms the cemetery where a gray stone pronounces the divorce as being legal.
The date is even included on the top of the notice. It's over.
The marriage is dead.
However, unlike the death of the
body, this is the demise of a relationship. The heart, mind, and
soul are still very much alive. Life goes on and those who determine
to survive and take their lumps go on with it.
It's a horrible experience.
In fact, it can be absolutely nightmarish. To those who hold on to
the anger and bitterness, it will be worse than death. There is nothing
sadder than a living person with a dead soul. However, those who
treat it as a new beginning, a time to grow and take personal responsibility,
as well as forgiving their ex-mates will find that life can be fresh and
sweet again.
Life is for those who live it.
Get on with your life.
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-© all
rights reserved - 10/22/2001
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The mission of this not-for-profit website is to promote clear insights
and toleration regarding the many variations of primary relationships that
exist in our world. We ask for neither acceptance or approval but
hope that each visitor who reviews the pages of this site will leave them
with a better understanding of the numerous cultural, historical, preferential,
religious, sexual, and sociological approaches to coupling that have always
existed and will continue to exist as long as there are at least two human
beings living on this planet. If the effort put into creating and
maintaining this site results in others coming to the realization that
the basic human need to love and be loved takes on many forms which are
accepted by those who practice them, whether right or wrong as determined
by the personal belief system of others, then it will have served it's
purpose well. |
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