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In her book, Crazy Time, Abigail Trafford observed that,
"It takes two to get married, but you get divorced by yourself...It's an
individual experience. No one else can do it for you. In the
end, how it works out is up to you. You write your own script."
Recovering from divorce takes some effort if you are going
to do it right. Healing from the emotional pain of severing a once
loving relationship takes time. Those who are determined to regain
their sense of normality seek the understanding and insights that are necessary
to be able to do so. As one who has experienced facing the aftermath
of my own divorce, I have learned that there are three natural stages that
one must work through before any real healing can take place. Hopefully,
your gaining an understanding of these stages will help you recover more
quickly.
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The "Lonely Wanderer"
Stage...
Coming
out of an exclusive relationship has left you feeling raw and hurt. You
are exhausted from the heated arguments and horrid confrontations of the
last months of your marriage. Perhaps you are separated or newly
divorced. In either case, you have just started into a legal process
that can be very stressful. Few divorces are amiable. Whatever open
wounds you suffer will feel like someone is pouring salt into them for
awhile. As you deal with all of the issues regarding the various
issues before your divorce is formally finalized, any sense of peace or
feeling settled again will continue to elude you. As a result, the
very nature of the pre-divorce period and the time following the actual
divorce does not allow for very much healing.
Even though your separation may
have ended the almost daily upset you faced while living with your ex-mate,
the divorce process, coupled with the many changes that are now occurring,
will bring some new challenges. Depression, frustration, low self-esteem,
doing some crazy things, and feeling very lonely is to be expected.
Take comfort. You are in good company. Everyone who has ever
gone through a divorce has experienced the same emotional upset, albeit
in different degrees. The important thing to realize here is that
you dare not get stuck in this stage. Allowing the failure of your
marriage to emotionally devistate you is something that no one can afford
to do. One failed relationship, no matter how long it lasted or how
much love it once enjoyed, is not worth you giving up on life.
Unless you are in denial, you will
sense the need to do something that will move you forward regardless of
whatever other emotional and financial challenges you might be facing.
This is a good time to do some soul-searching. What got you to this
point? What lessons are to be learned from it? How can you
avoid ever having to go through this again?
It is indeed a lonely time.
Still, should you accept it as a natural step in the process of going from
being married to singlehood, it will be less upsetting and more beneficial
to you.
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The "Lone Ranger"
Stage...
This
next natural step in adapting to being single again involves coming to
grips with whatever factor(s) caused the breakup of your relationship.
A few people are able to clearly figure it out for themselves. More
understand their need to consult with a professional counselor. Even
if you feel that you were not to blame as much as your ex-mate, getting
some outside help will make it possible for you to untangle the knots of
your own life--even the ones you do not realize are there.
You will know that you have entered
this stage when you decide to stop blaming the other person and begin to
take responsibility for your own actions/inactions. This is a very
healthy sign that you are now on the road to healing.
Should you decide not to do
so, you will run the risk of joining so many who have become cynical.
Trafford refers to them as the "never again" crowd. These are the
people who go on and on about their a__hole ex-mates who are to be blamed
for everything. Instead of working on themselves, they have remained
in denial and have no idea why every attempt at a new relationship ends
up in failure. Men become players and women become ice queens.
On the other hand, should
you decide to move on, get the help you need (e.g. counselors, self-help
books, seminars, etc.), and deal with your own "old baggage," you'll begin
to leave behind that sad sense of lonliness. Instead, you will become
a "Lone Ranger"--someone who, although still alone, is now on a mission
to move on with your life so that you can go to the next stage. |
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The "Alone Traveler"
Stage
You're
almost there.
It's time to put the past behind
you, learn all that you can from it, and become an independent individual.
Now you can enjoy the wonderful freedom of becoming the person you have
always been but might not have been able to express. You can even
redefine yourself if you want. Change your hair style, lose some
weight, get some new clothes. Become involved in a new social group.
Take some college classes. Join a new church. Learn how to
dance. Start using your middle name (that is, if you like it).
None of these things are needed to help you find a new relationship.
On the contrary, you would be wise to implement some positive changes just
because they make you feel better as a person. Of course, you should
always use good sense. Buying a new home or car may not be wise if
you really can't afford it. However, losing 15 pounds and buying
a new outfit wouldn't financially threaten too many people.
Yes, you are still alone.
You might have a new circle of friends and a thriving social life, but
you still go home alone each night. However, there is a major difference
between being lonely and being alone. Whereas, not so long ago the
walls seemed to close in on you, now you are glad to have some time to
yourself.
It's okay to be alone because you
have begun to understand that those who have worked their way to this point
will not have to remain this way forever. Others who have also faced
the same things in their own lives are looking for someone just like you.
Perhaps you will find one of them before he/she finds you. At any
rate, your having become a whole, happy, and emotionally healthy person
again are the very things that will attract others to you.
Your lonely days are over.
You've made it through the three
stages.
Now, you are ready to dive
into your new life and immerse yourself in it.
Needless to say, someone very
special is bound to notice.
You might not be alone for
too long. |
© all rights reserved - 10/22/2001--
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The mission of this not-for-profit website is to promote clear insights
and toleration regarding the many variations of primary relationships that
exist in our world. We ask for neither acceptance or approval but
hope that each visitor who reviews the pages of this site will leave them
with a better understanding of the numerous cultural, historical, preferential,
religious, sexual, and sociological approaches to coupling that have always
existed and will continue to exist as long as there are at least two human
beings living on this planet. If the effort put into creating and
maintaining this site results in others coming to the realization that
the basic human need to love and be loved takes on many forms which are
accepted by those who practice them, whether right or wrong as determined
by the personal belief system of others, then it will have served it's
purpose well. |
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