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Pitfall Defined:-A
hole we dig for ourselves and then plunge in to without realizing the consequences.
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It only stands to reason that there are specific characteristics
about the current status of any relationship that would indicate its strength
or weakness. When it comes to the multi-faceted ways in which couples
relate to each other, it is almost impossible to diagnose whether a relationship
will continue or eventually fail. Just because there is some factor
in the relationship that others would determine to be a negative, the two
people who share the it may very well deal with any issues in a successful
manner. For example, one couple may not survive an affair
due to a number of other problemed areas in their relationship, whereas,
another couple might work through it with seemingly little effort.
Therefore, the only reasonable approach to dealing with the many pitfalls
that challenge any relationship is that of whether or not we allow them
to be a determining factor in negatively impacting our love
for our mates. Otherwise, how do we keep our house cleaned and well
maintained (so to speak) when it comes to those we love best?
One page on a web site is certainly not enough to
list, define, describe, and explain every possible pitfall that we humans
have experience when it comes to relationships, but a brief mention of
the more common ones might be helpful to both those who struggle with their
love life as well as those who have done a good job of protecting it.
With that thought in mind, I would like to submit
the following insights for your consideration.... |
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The Assumption
Pitfall
Taking each other for granted is a dangerous thing
to do. After many months/years of enjoying a seemingly strong relationship
with someone, the tendency to assume too much is very tempting. However,
one must remember that each of us has only so much time allotted in this
life. Therefore, every minute your special someone gives to you is
a gift. The moment you begin to assume that they will never leave
you, always love you, and put up with any abuse
from you, is probably the beginning of the end. Whatever you do,
let the other person know that they are much appreciated and loved on a
continuous basis. You'll find the
right words. Just make sure that you use them and do it often.
Most people who feel very much taken for granted do not get up and leave--they
just slowly fade away.
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The Shared History
Pitfall
One
would think that a long-term relationship filled with so many shared experiences
would last forever. Afterall, so the reasoning goes, doesn't the
very fact that two people who have been together for many
years indicate that theirs is indeed a lifelong commitment?
Furthermore, doesn't time have a way of bonding a couple together in such
a way that any kind of separation would be unthinkable?
Actually, human experience teaches us that such a mindset is more fanciful
than factual. The reality is that relationships can wear out.
Should a couple not be totally committed to working at maintaining
a strong, loving, caring relationship, all the shared history and experience
in the world will not be enough to preserve it. Only those who allow
themselves to think in fanciful terms would be deluded enough to become
convinced that a shared history is enough to keep them together.
If having experienced so much of life together is a sure guarentee that
the relationship will go on forever, then why do so many people still seek
to be divorced?
No, shared history is not enough to assure oneself of a lifetime of relational
bliss. Those who do not love their mates enough to work at enhancing
whatever they share together can be equally assured that what exists today
may eventually become nothing more than the memory of a love that died
out. |
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The Children
Pitfall
You conceived children together. You raised
them together. You were both wonderful parents who attended every
parent-teacher conference and never missed helping out at a school activity
when your children were involved.
So what? Those may be wonderful memories for
the children but they are not enough to bond two people together for a
life time.
Some people will stay committed to each other based
solely on the fact that they have brought others into the world.
However, most people do not consider this enough motivation to remain in
a relationship that is neither right or fulfilling.
Children have a way of adjusting to the breakup and subsequent
divorce of their parents. Even though some are negatively impacted
by it for the rest of their lives, most go on in spite of their family
history. The bottom line is that over half of the marriages
in our current culture fail. Yet, children grow up to be adults and
many go on to do quite well despite their parents marital dissolution.
Furthermore, those children who would put a guilt
trip on their divorcing parents should be well advised to think twice;
not only for their parent's sake, but for their own as well. Allowing
bitterness to overtake one's feelings, despite who may have been more at
fault than the other, is a sure way to miss out on a parent-child relationship
that might have been very warm and loving for both.
Yet, the main point here is that children are indeed
important to us but not necessarily enough of a reason to stay in an unhappy
marriage. |
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The Too-Busy
Pitfall
Everyone
gets overwhelmed by the "stuff" of life from time to time. However,
no one can maintain a loving, meaningful relationship without placing a
priority on the time that two people spend together.
There are indeed some couples who agree from the beginning to give each
other all the space needed to work toward degrees, build their careers,
and be apart for long periods of time to accomplish their goals. In fact,
independent
lovers flourish when both are of the same
mind.
Still, few couples mutually share that kind of approach. The norm
for those who find themselves facing this pitfall has to do with one becoming
obsessed with their work/interests/projects while the other justifiably
feels extremely ignored and even neglected.
Lonliness is a major contributor to the demise of once happy relationships.
If your work or interests become your mistress, rest assured that your
mrs. might very well leave you so that you can devote all of your time
to your first love.
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The Apathy Pitfall
It slowly happens over time.
What was once a hot, exciting, enjoyable, and mutually
satisfying relationship has somehow lost its edge and become mundane.
The romance is gone and where love should
reside, only a sense of toleration remains.
Hate has never been the opposite of love--it's apathy.
We simply don't really care anymore.
Eventually, less motivating factors become the bandaides
that hold the relationship together. Shared history, family tradition,
religious convictions, and the expectations of others are enough for some
to stick it out but others will need more. Those who do would rather
be loved in hell than disregarded in heaven. |
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© all rights reserved - 6/24/2002----
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