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Aftermath:
A
consequence of a
disaster; a period of time following
a disaster. |
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Adapting to Change...
Those who have been
in any kind of a long-term relationship
will have the most difficult time adapting to being single
again. After all, the other person was generally around whenever
you needed him/her. Now, the sense of aloneness is something that
you face every day. However, if you are wise, you will fill your
time up with your interests, hobbies, and any projects that will keep you
busy. It is important that you avoid having too much free time on
your hands.
Loneliness has a way of invading the leftover moments
of our lives.
There are also pragmatic changes to consider. Men
will have to learn how to fold their own underwear and women will have
to figure out how to hook up that super surround sound stereo system.
The bright side to all of this is that most men will find that they are
excellent cooks and most women will discover that they are a whiz when
it comes to making home repairs. The bottom line is that this is
a time for self-discovery. You are not only going to make it, but
you are going to do it in grand style. In fact, if you are determined
to succeed, adapting to the changes of being single could be one of the
best things that has ever happened to you. It's time to find yourself
again. You'll do fine if you simply continue to believe in yourself
and take each day as it comes.
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Emotional Stress...
Even though statistics say that the average marriage
today has a one-in-two chance of failing, you probably thought yours would
last forever. Divorce, like a serious accident
or terminal disease, was something that only happened to other people.
So, in spite of the statistics, and despite the fact that you probably
have seen friends or family divorce, you were still unprepared when it
came to your own breakup.
Aside from the death of a spouse or child, the end of
a relationship is the most stressful and emotionally painful of life's
experiences. Divorce affects every single facet of your life: from finances
to matters of the heart and even the deepest recesses of the human soul.
During the initial stages, all these take a backseat to the emotional losses:
of love, security, and the myth of "living happily ever after."
If your spouse initiated the divorce, you'll experience
some very intense emotions. Conversely, your spouse probably experienced
some very strong emotions while he/she was considering whether to call
it quits (months or even years earlier), but is now at a more advanced
stage of recovery. It doesn't seem fair but that is indeed the nature
of the beast.
As you begin to realize that your marriage is really over,
your emotions may become so overwhelming that rational thought becomes
difficult, if not impossible. This is why it's so important to postpone
any major decisions about your future such as whether to keep or sell the
house, custody arrangements for the children, support issues, etc., until
you're feeling more stable. Obviously, you'll have to make some decisions
right away (ask your attorney and/or a trusted friend who has successfully
dealt with similar issues for some objective advice) but try to put off
the ones that will seriously affect your future until you're able to think
clearly.
If you feel like you're spinning out of control, it's
important to realize that you won't be this way forever. Even if you do
nothing to speed up your emotional recovery, you will start to eventually
feel better. That's the first piece of good news. The second
is that your recovery will follow a relatively predictable pattern, and
you can take comfort from knowing that wherever you are right now, it's
just a stage--not your final destination.
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Financial Pressures...
Few people come out of a marriage breakup without money
problems. Whereas, there was once only one household to keep
up, there are now two. Not only that, but the added cost of attorney
fees, court costs, and finalizing the marriage can leave you financially
drained and even in debt. Add to that the bills that you'd previously
incurred, and it is no wonder that many people seek outside counseling
to get their finances back under control. It may take some time but
you will have to do it. The key thought here is to economize as much
as possible. For example, you might consider sharing a house or apartment
with someone before entertaining the idea of renting or even buying your
own place. Most of us are a little too optomistic when we plan our
after-divorce budget. The results of missing the mark can be very
costly. The quickest way back to financial security is to be willing
to pay the price up front so that you will be free to go forward in the
near future.
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Dating Again...
As most divorced adults eventually resume a social life,
dating
enters the picture. It is one of the more difficult things to which your
children will have to become accustomed. It won't be easy for you,
either. A child's usual reaction to a parent's first date is a negative
one.
Rushing into dating threatens a child's world. Your children
may view your dates as being competition for your love and attention.
It might also be interpreted as a rejection of their other, now-absent
parent. Their fantasies of reconciliation will be damaged and the
loss of your attention may reawaken fears of abandonment. Beware of letting
yourself think that finding a new spouse will make your family "whole"
again. Remarriage, based on that agenda, often has more "holes" than "wholes."
Be aware, too, that children are usually more accepting of Dad's dating
than of Mom's dating. It's hard to say whether it's a sexist reaction or
just that Mom, more often than not, is the caretaking parent and is expected
to maintain the status quo.
Socializing with your kids alone is one good way to approach
the dating scene. Parents Without Partners is a large, national organization
that allows you this option. Perhaps you might want to start your
own family-to-family social group. It's really not hard. Invite
all your single-with-children friends over for some shared event, such
as a brunch. Socializing with your kids takes the pressure off of
meeting "someone" because you can always enjoy being there with your child(ren).
If you think you don't know enough folks in the category, simply let friends
invite friends or acquaintances whom they may have heard about.
For most, dating and sex the second time around is scary
and stressful. Just because you've been married before doesn't mean
that you're confident or are even experienced in this area. Becoming
socially active again is important because it helps free a parent from
becoming obsessive about his or her parenting role. Letting your
adult life revolve around your children is actually very hard on them.
To help out, here are some dating do's and don'ts.....
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Meet your dates away from home in the beginning of a new relationship.
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Introduce dates as friends if your child resents your dating, explaining
that parents needs adult friend, too.
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Try not to have a continual stream of different dates running through your
home. This lifestyle might be fun for you, but it's confusing for
and hard on the children.
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Enjoy the benefits of shared physical custody, if you have it. You
can perhaps confine your dating to the times the children are not with
you. If you only have access to your children on weekends, there
will come a point when they have to share in your dating life.
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Begin locking the bedroom door for privacy before you have someone spending
the night so that option is available to you.
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Choose with care those significant others whom you allow to get close to
your family. Children get attached to people you date over a long
period of time and these breakups are often harder on them than on the
adults involved.
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Letting your ex know your whereabouts when going out of town is a responsible
act, but is not always done. If your ex will not give you a phone
number, suggest that he or she let you know who does know how to reach
him/her should an emergency arise.
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Be prepared when your children attempt to sabotage your dates through a
variety of rude comments, obnoxious behavior, and "forgetting" to pass
on phone messages. You can let a child know that you understand what
he or she is feeling, but make it clear that this type of behavior is unacceptable.
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If your love life isn't so hot, it can be agonizing to see your ex dating
or in love. One underlying reason for your pain, as we all feel when uncoupled,
is fear that you'll never be loved again. It's not true. Love comes when
you least expect it. It often comes after your heart has healed or when
finding a partner is no longer a consuming objective.
Hang in there! Believe in a better future. The
best is yet to come. Be patient. Someday, you'll be the other
half of a wonderful romantic relationship.
-© all
rights reserved - 10/22/2001
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The mission of this not-for-profit website is to promote clear insights
and toleration regarding the many variations of primary relationships that
exist in our world. We ask for neither acceptance or approval but
hope that each visitor who reviews the pages of this site will leave them
with a better understanding of the numerous cultural, historical, preferential,
religious, sexual, and sociological approaches to coupling that have always
existed and will continue to exist as long as there are at least two human
beings living on this planet. If the effort put into creating and
maintaining this site results in others coming to the realization that
the basic human need to love and be loved takes on many forms which are
accepted by those who practice them, whether right or wrong as determined
by the personal belief system of others, then it will have served it's
purpose well. |
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